Just as the IGN article suggested, this essay focuses on the idea of the Super Mario Bros. movie having been better if it was simply focused on a singular tone. The suggested tone is that of a self-referential, meta film akin to The Princess Bride. The essay opines the fluctuating tone between a "straight-up kids' movie" and a "grimier, more self-aware action flick for young adults." If the film had only settled on a single tone, it speculates, the film could have been a lot better. The "Mario Mario/Luigi Mario booking scene" is offered as an example of the comedic sensibility the film should have had throughout.
While the essay occasionally attacks the film ("suckfest," "bomb," "shitpile," etc.) it still never resorts to bashing it and is remarkably aware of what it did that truly works as an adaptation that most of the haters don't realize were necessary. The story and justification thereof are praised as legitimate extrapolations from the simplicity of the games of the time, with the only complaint being the previously mentioned disconnect in tone.
Unfortunately, the essay ends a bit too soon for my taste. I found it to be a fascinating read that could have explored the film a lot more than it did. It's truly one of the best articles on the subject, hands-down. Recommended read for everyone, particularly you, Phlibbit.
