Super Mario Bros.: Abridged!
Posted: Thu Jul 28, 2011 4:38 pm
Hi there folks! I run http://www.bartmansmockeries.wordpress.com, a website where I write unfunny abridged movie scripts. Mr. Applebaum found it and invited me to post it here, so I decided, "why not?".
Now then... here it is!
So? What do ya think?
Now then... here it is!
SUPER MARIO BROS.: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT
We see a crappy CGI effect of what is supposed to be the TIME OF DINOSAURS. The AUDIENCE is confused. Suddenly, an IRRITATING NARRATOR starts talking.
NARRATOR:
A long time ago, DINOSAURS ruled the Earth. Wait, what? What does this have to do with Super Mario Bros.? Anyway, nobody bothered them since no humans were around back then. Then a meteorite killed them all. But...what if they found a way BACK!? Wait, what? This movie is already three minutes in and it already doesn’t make sense.
Skip to: 20 years before the actual events of the movie take place.
We see a WOMAN running around FRANTICALLY as she carries SOMETHING. She runs into the SEWERS and DENNIS HOPPER WEARING A BLACK JACKET appears.
Woman:
Holy hell!
Dennis Hopper:
Give me the egg.
Audience:
Okay, so they’re introducing Yoshi. Cool.
The WOMAN gives DENNIS HOPPER WEARING A BLACK JACKET an EGG which later hatches into a HUMAN.
Audience:
What?!
We then skip to PRESENT DAY where BOB HOSKINS and JOHN LEGUIZAMO are PLUMBERS.
Bob Hoskins:
John, I got us work!
John Leguizamo:
Can it wait? I’m watching a plot-explaining television special.
BOB HOSKINS and JOHN LEGUIZAMO go to an UNSPECIFIED LOCATION where they find that the PLUMBING MAFIA is already there.
Bob Hoskins:
Dammnit, they beat us to it. Again.
John Leguizamo:
Could be worse. We could be in a movie about two video game characters.
Bob Hoskins:
That would definitely classify as the worst thing I ever did in my acting career.
Suddenly, SAMANTHA MATHIS appears and tells off the PLUMBING MAFIA. JOHN LEGUIZAMO falls in love with her.
John Leguizamo:
Hi, I’m John Leguizamo.
Samantha Mathis:
Hi.
John Leguizamo:
Wanna go out to dinner with me and my brother Bob Hoskins and his girlfriend?
Samantha Mathis:
Sure, even though I just met you I’m strangely attracted to you.
The entire AUDIENCE has a LOLWUT moment. JOHN LEGUIZAMO and BOB HOSKINS and BOB HOSKINS’ GIRLFRIEND all have an AWKWARD DINNER. SAMANTHA MATHIS is later KIDNAPPED, and the two HEROES are KNOCKED OUT by FISHER STEVENS and RICHARD EDSON.
Bob Hoskins:
Good God, this is the worst thing I ever did.
Shigeru Miyamoto:
I dunno, I’m enjoying it. I wish you wouldn’t act so much like the games though.
John Leguizamo:
Where are we?
At this point, DENNIS HOPPER appears.
Dennis Hopper:
You are in Generic Evil Headquarters Land. And I’m its evil dictator, but I’m a total germaphobe. Har, har, har.
John Leguizamo:
You? Evil? Pfft. You aren’t evil. You’re boring. Honestly, you sound like a robot.
Dennis Hopper:
Oh no, I’m definitely evil. I have a ray gun which can turn people into monkeys.
The AUDIENCE groans.
Bob Hoskins:
A ray gun which can turn people into monkeys? What the hell kind of plot device is that?
Dennis Hopper:
It’s a very poorly executed one.
Suddenly, MOJO NIXON is seen.
Dennis Hopper:
And just to prove how evil I am, I am going to turn Mojo Nixon into a Goomba.
John Leguizamo:
Finally, something from the games.
DENNIS HOPPER uses MAGIC to turn MOJO NIXON into a POORLY ANIMATED HOMER SIMPSON.
Dennis Hopper:
And he is now a servant.
Bob Hoskins:
What the hell is he?
Dennis Hopper:
He’s a Goomba.
ONE QUARTER OF THE AUDIENCE leaves.
John Leguizamo:
That’s not even close to what a Goomba looks like. Goombas are small, brown creatures which walk sideways. This thing you created is just a monster which wants to die.
Bob Hoskins:
And I don’t remember Koopa ever being a human in the game.
Dennis Hopper:
Allow me to explain that. You see, over nine thousand years ago, the world was inhabited by dinosaurs. I was a dinosaur...I’m a descendant of a Tyrannosaurus Rex.
John Leguizamo:
This is so unlike the games it’s making my head hurt.
Dennis Hopper:
See, when I said I was evil, I didn’t necessarily mean “take over the world†evil. I meant evil as in that I make this movie completely unrelated to the games. Although I do want to take over the world, which is where that ray gun comes in. Anyway, I’m sending Fisher Stevens and Richard Edson after you.
JOHN LEGUIZAMO and BOB HOSKINS escape FISHER STEVENS and RICHARD EDSON, but don’t find the princess. A WANTED POSTER of the heroes is printed for NO REASON, and the PLUMBERS appear in another UNSPECIFIED LOCATION which looks like a DANCE FLOOR.
Bob Hoskins:
Goddamnit. Can we just save Samantha Mathis already and be done with this stupid movie?
Shigeru Miyamoto:
No, you still have a bunch of other pointless stuff to go through.
Meanwhile, DENNIS HOPPER talks to FISHER STEVENS and RICHARD EDSON.
Dennis Hopper:
Now if you two don’t bring back Samantha Mathis and that stupid rock she carries around her neck back to me, I will kill you.
Richard Edson:
Wait, what? Why do you need a rock?
Dennis Hopper:
Because that meteorite is still dormant and I need it to merge Generic Evil Headquarters Land and the real world together so I can rule over it as its king...good God, is the plot really this dense?
Fisher Stevens:
Yes. Yes it is. Anyway, we’ll be off now.
They LEAVE and DENNIS HOPPER does some STUFF. By now, FIFTY PERCENT of the AUDIENCE is GONE.
MEANWHILE, SAMANTHA MATHIS is TRAPPED in another UNSPECIFIED LOCATION. DENNIS HOPPER APPEARS and attempts to SEDUCE HER.
Samantha Mathis:
Okay, what? I’m the damsel in distress and I’m getting hit on by a 60 year old? What the hell?
Dennis Hopper:
Yes. Yes you are. I know, I thought it was stupid, too. Wanna go back to my place and bump some uglies?
Suddenly, CHRIS HANSEN appears!
Chris Hansen:
Take a seat, right over here, Dennis.
Dennis Hopper:
Oh shut up. This is 1993; nobody used the internet in 1993. This isn’t the internet, either.
Chris Hansen:
Yeah, so?
DENNIS HOPPER kills CHRIS HANSEN. PEDOPHILES rejoice and go back to MYSPACE. SAMANTHA MATHIS escapes and meets up with BOB HOSKINS and JOHN LEGUIZAMO.
Samantha Mathis:
Thanks for not rescuing me.
John Leguizamo:
Hey, we tried.
Samantha Mathis:
Where’s Bob?
John Leguizamo:
He’s dancing with the Duchess of Dairy Queen.
Samantha Mathis:
Oh, yeah, meet Yoshi.
Audience:
Oh good. Something related to the games.
Instead of the cute, green, adorable YOSHI, and ugly, monstrous, big-eyed THING appears.
Audience:
GODDAMN THIS MOVIE!
Another quarter of the AUDIENCE leaves.
John Leguizamo:
Does he bite?
Samantha Mathis:
Hell if I know, he was just there in Dennis Hopper’s room.
John Leguizamo:
What were you doing in his room?
Samantha Mathis:
He tried to seduce me. Chris Hansen showed up but got killed, and I managed to escape.
Suddenly, BOB HOSKINS SHOWS UP with a ROCK.
Bob Hoskins:
Hiya.
Suddenly, DENNIS HOPPER APPEARS! Again!
Dennis Hopper:
Give me the stone, I need it to merge Generic Evil Headquarters Land and the real world.
Bob Hoskins:
Oh for the love of...are we really still in this movie?
Samantha Mathis:
Unfortunately.
Yoshi:
Rawr.
Dennis Hopper:
If you won’t give me the stone, I’ll take it myself.
DENNIS HOPPER and BOB HOSKINS fight, with BOB HOSKINS emerging VICTORIOUS. Using the RAY GUN, he turns DENNIS HOPPER into SLIME. PEOPLE start CELEBRATING knowing that a BORING VILLAIN won’t ENSLAVE THEM. BOB HOSKINS, JOHN LEGUIZAMO, and SAMANTHA MATHIS return to BROOKLYNN.
Samantha Mathis:
John, I love you and all, but we can’t be together.
John Leguizamo:
I understand.
Bob Hoskins:
Why the hell did I do this again?
Skip to: Three weeks later.
On TV, a NEWS REPORT is aired regarding the BROTHERS’ heroic actions, and they are given the title of SUPER MARIO BROS.
By now, the entire AUDIENCE is GONE.
Suddenly, SAMANTHA MATHIS appears!
Samantha Mathis:
Guys, you’re not gonna believe this!
Bob Hoskins:
They’re writing a sequel, aren’t they.
Samantha Mathis:
No, we’re just gonna end it on a cliffhanger.
They DO.
END
We see a crappy CGI effect of what is supposed to be the TIME OF DINOSAURS. The AUDIENCE is confused. Suddenly, an IRRITATING NARRATOR starts talking.
NARRATOR:
A long time ago, DINOSAURS ruled the Earth. Wait, what? What does this have to do with Super Mario Bros.? Anyway, nobody bothered them since no humans were around back then. Then a meteorite killed them all. But...what if they found a way BACK!? Wait, what? This movie is already three minutes in and it already doesn’t make sense.
Skip to: 20 years before the actual events of the movie take place.
We see a WOMAN running around FRANTICALLY as she carries SOMETHING. She runs into the SEWERS and DENNIS HOPPER WEARING A BLACK JACKET appears.
Woman:
Holy hell!
Dennis Hopper:
Give me the egg.
Audience:
Okay, so they’re introducing Yoshi. Cool.
The WOMAN gives DENNIS HOPPER WEARING A BLACK JACKET an EGG which later hatches into a HUMAN.
Audience:
What?!
We then skip to PRESENT DAY where BOB HOSKINS and JOHN LEGUIZAMO are PLUMBERS.
Bob Hoskins:
John, I got us work!
John Leguizamo:
Can it wait? I’m watching a plot-explaining television special.
BOB HOSKINS and JOHN LEGUIZAMO go to an UNSPECIFIED LOCATION where they find that the PLUMBING MAFIA is already there.
Bob Hoskins:
Dammnit, they beat us to it. Again.
John Leguizamo:
Could be worse. We could be in a movie about two video game characters.
Bob Hoskins:
That would definitely classify as the worst thing I ever did in my acting career.
Suddenly, SAMANTHA MATHIS appears and tells off the PLUMBING MAFIA. JOHN LEGUIZAMO falls in love with her.
John Leguizamo:
Hi, I’m John Leguizamo.
Samantha Mathis:
Hi.
John Leguizamo:
Wanna go out to dinner with me and my brother Bob Hoskins and his girlfriend?
Samantha Mathis:
Sure, even though I just met you I’m strangely attracted to you.
The entire AUDIENCE has a LOLWUT moment. JOHN LEGUIZAMO and BOB HOSKINS and BOB HOSKINS’ GIRLFRIEND all have an AWKWARD DINNER. SAMANTHA MATHIS is later KIDNAPPED, and the two HEROES are KNOCKED OUT by FISHER STEVENS and RICHARD EDSON.
Bob Hoskins:
Good God, this is the worst thing I ever did.
Shigeru Miyamoto:
I dunno, I’m enjoying it. I wish you wouldn’t act so much like the games though.
John Leguizamo:
Where are we?
At this point, DENNIS HOPPER appears.
Dennis Hopper:
You are in Generic Evil Headquarters Land. And I’m its evil dictator, but I’m a total germaphobe. Har, har, har.
John Leguizamo:
You? Evil? Pfft. You aren’t evil. You’re boring. Honestly, you sound like a robot.
Dennis Hopper:
Oh no, I’m definitely evil. I have a ray gun which can turn people into monkeys.
The AUDIENCE groans.
Bob Hoskins:
A ray gun which can turn people into monkeys? What the hell kind of plot device is that?
Dennis Hopper:
It’s a very poorly executed one.
Suddenly, MOJO NIXON is seen.
Dennis Hopper:
And just to prove how evil I am, I am going to turn Mojo Nixon into a Goomba.
John Leguizamo:
Finally, something from the games.
DENNIS HOPPER uses MAGIC to turn MOJO NIXON into a POORLY ANIMATED HOMER SIMPSON.
Dennis Hopper:
And he is now a servant.
Bob Hoskins:
What the hell is he?
Dennis Hopper:
He’s a Goomba.
ONE QUARTER OF THE AUDIENCE leaves.
John Leguizamo:
That’s not even close to what a Goomba looks like. Goombas are small, brown creatures which walk sideways. This thing you created is just a monster which wants to die.
Bob Hoskins:
And I don’t remember Koopa ever being a human in the game.
Dennis Hopper:
Allow me to explain that. You see, over nine thousand years ago, the world was inhabited by dinosaurs. I was a dinosaur...I’m a descendant of a Tyrannosaurus Rex.
John Leguizamo:
This is so unlike the games it’s making my head hurt.
Dennis Hopper:
See, when I said I was evil, I didn’t necessarily mean “take over the world†evil. I meant evil as in that I make this movie completely unrelated to the games. Although I do want to take over the world, which is where that ray gun comes in. Anyway, I’m sending Fisher Stevens and Richard Edson after you.
JOHN LEGUIZAMO and BOB HOSKINS escape FISHER STEVENS and RICHARD EDSON, but don’t find the princess. A WANTED POSTER of the heroes is printed for NO REASON, and the PLUMBERS appear in another UNSPECIFIED LOCATION which looks like a DANCE FLOOR.
Bob Hoskins:
Goddamnit. Can we just save Samantha Mathis already and be done with this stupid movie?
Shigeru Miyamoto:
No, you still have a bunch of other pointless stuff to go through.
Meanwhile, DENNIS HOPPER talks to FISHER STEVENS and RICHARD EDSON.
Dennis Hopper:
Now if you two don’t bring back Samantha Mathis and that stupid rock she carries around her neck back to me, I will kill you.
Richard Edson:
Wait, what? Why do you need a rock?
Dennis Hopper:
Because that meteorite is still dormant and I need it to merge Generic Evil Headquarters Land and the real world together so I can rule over it as its king...good God, is the plot really this dense?
Fisher Stevens:
Yes. Yes it is. Anyway, we’ll be off now.
They LEAVE and DENNIS HOPPER does some STUFF. By now, FIFTY PERCENT of the AUDIENCE is GONE.
MEANWHILE, SAMANTHA MATHIS is TRAPPED in another UNSPECIFIED LOCATION. DENNIS HOPPER APPEARS and attempts to SEDUCE HER.
Samantha Mathis:
Okay, what? I’m the damsel in distress and I’m getting hit on by a 60 year old? What the hell?
Dennis Hopper:
Yes. Yes you are. I know, I thought it was stupid, too. Wanna go back to my place and bump some uglies?
Suddenly, CHRIS HANSEN appears!
Chris Hansen:
Take a seat, right over here, Dennis.
Dennis Hopper:
Oh shut up. This is 1993; nobody used the internet in 1993. This isn’t the internet, either.
Chris Hansen:
Yeah, so?
DENNIS HOPPER kills CHRIS HANSEN. PEDOPHILES rejoice and go back to MYSPACE. SAMANTHA MATHIS escapes and meets up with BOB HOSKINS and JOHN LEGUIZAMO.
Samantha Mathis:
Thanks for not rescuing me.
John Leguizamo:
Hey, we tried.
Samantha Mathis:
Where’s Bob?
John Leguizamo:
He’s dancing with the Duchess of Dairy Queen.
Samantha Mathis:
Oh, yeah, meet Yoshi.
Audience:
Oh good. Something related to the games.
Instead of the cute, green, adorable YOSHI, and ugly, monstrous, big-eyed THING appears.
Audience:
GODDAMN THIS MOVIE!
Another quarter of the AUDIENCE leaves.
John Leguizamo:
Does he bite?
Samantha Mathis:
Hell if I know, he was just there in Dennis Hopper’s room.
John Leguizamo:
What were you doing in his room?
Samantha Mathis:
He tried to seduce me. Chris Hansen showed up but got killed, and I managed to escape.
Suddenly, BOB HOSKINS SHOWS UP with a ROCK.
Bob Hoskins:
Hiya.
Suddenly, DENNIS HOPPER APPEARS! Again!
Dennis Hopper:
Give me the stone, I need it to merge Generic Evil Headquarters Land and the real world.
Bob Hoskins:
Oh for the love of...are we really still in this movie?
Samantha Mathis:
Unfortunately.
Yoshi:
Rawr.
Dennis Hopper:
If you won’t give me the stone, I’ll take it myself.
DENNIS HOPPER and BOB HOSKINS fight, with BOB HOSKINS emerging VICTORIOUS. Using the RAY GUN, he turns DENNIS HOPPER into SLIME. PEOPLE start CELEBRATING knowing that a BORING VILLAIN won’t ENSLAVE THEM. BOB HOSKINS, JOHN LEGUIZAMO, and SAMANTHA MATHIS return to BROOKLYNN.
Samantha Mathis:
John, I love you and all, but we can’t be together.
John Leguizamo:
I understand.
Bob Hoskins:
Why the hell did I do this again?
Skip to: Three weeks later.
On TV, a NEWS REPORT is aired regarding the BROTHERS’ heroic actions, and they are given the title of SUPER MARIO BROS.
By now, the entire AUDIENCE is GONE.
Suddenly, SAMANTHA MATHIS appears!
Samantha Mathis:
Guys, you’re not gonna believe this!
Bob Hoskins:
They’re writing a sequel, aren’t they.
Samantha Mathis:
No, we’re just gonna end it on a cliffhanger.
They DO.
END
So? What do ya think?
