The First Rebel, an SMB Prequel

[1upmushroom]

This is the thread for The First Rebel, a fan fiction I'm making.

This will take place 20 years before the movie but also before Daisy's mother went to our world. It will explain and show many events that took place before the movie. In this fic, Koopa is still in the service of the king. Dinohatten is much bigger and its not even called Dinohatten. There is no Koopa Square, nothing parallel of New York, just a city full of dino descendants.

The Desert is now the location of a secret prison secretly run by Koopa that holds people that are either really bad, people he doesn't like, or people he thinks is a threat to him. The Koopa Towers have been recently built originally for the King and of course are not named the Koopa Towers.

(I don't even think they were called that in the movie. XD)

Some characters like Bertha, Iggy, Spike, and Toad will all make appearences, even Daisy will appear as a cameo. But there's also a new character called the first rebe who was once one of Koopa's right hand men but was later thrown into the prison after being deemed untrustworthy by Koopa.

The Rebel however escaped in a car heading back to the city wanting revenge.

That's all I'll write for now. But stay tuned for more.

[Redstar]

I really like this idea! I think this is the first time anyone has tried to explore the backstory for the film rather than a potential sequel or re-imagining. Did our interview with Parker Bennett inspire you in any way?

I look forward to seeing character and story details emerge, though for now I would like to know how you plan to include cameos of Daisy 20 years prior to the film, considering she wouldn't have been born yet.

[1upmushroom]

Profile: The Rebel

Height: 5.7

Age: Unkown

Weight: From 100 to 120 lbs.

Evovled from: Raptor.

Friends: Wario, Toad, The King, Daisy's Mother, Larry, Hark, Bertha.

Enemies: Koopa, Wart, Bloober, Mouser, etc

Allies: Wario, The King, Daisy's Mother, Mouser, Larry, Hark, Bertha, Toad.

Bio: His past for the most part is unknown. All that's known is that he was part of a group that worked for Koopa. Apparently he was too good at his job, Koopa suspected he would betray him and sent him to the special prison. The Rebel later escaped and is now back for revenge.

Appearance: Average height. Wears a spiked black vest, a blueish black shirt, and black jeans with chains attached to them. Has brown hair, green eyes, and a crooked smile.

Personality: Ruthless, has a short temper, is driven by rage and revenge, has a demented sense of humor, speaks in rhyme sometimes just to annoy people, will destroy anyone and thing that's in his way, hates Koopa with an undying passion.

That's the Rebel's profile.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

Well Redstar, Daisy will make a cameo very simply as a baby. That cut and dry. Also, I was actually inspired by Alan Moore's V for Vendetta.

Also to have interest increasing, originally and this is not made up, the Rebel was Wario and in the end, would have gotten killed by Koopa's men but not before bidding farewell to Daisy from outside reciting Reptile Queen Daisy's Tribute to Daisy's Mother poem.

As you can see, Wario was deemed a bit too good in my original concept. Of course not wanting to seem as if I just used Wario's name, I first made little implications that the Rebel was Wario, but scrapped that idea as well and just made the Rebel a seperate character.

However, Wario is still going to be in here and act like his old self.

Stay tuned for more as I also will release a poem I made for this Fan Fic that will of course appear in it.

[Redstar]

Well Redstar, Daisy will make a cameo very simply as a baby. That cut and dry. Also, I was actually inspired by Alan Moore's V for Vendetta.

I suppose that's certainly possible, but I have no real idea how a several-months-old infant would have any relevance to the story at-hand. While it would be interesting to see you to various time skips to before and after Koopa's coup, I would still say that as you're writing a tale set in Dinohattan the focus should stay there.

Also to have interest increasing, originally and this is not made up, the Rebel was Wario and in the end, would have gotten killed by Koopa's men but not before bidding farewell to Daisy from outside reciting Reptile Queen Daisy's Tribute to Daisy's Mother poem.

Well, I do like that idea! Cross-continuities are always fun!

As you can see, Wario was deemed a bit too good in my original concept. Of course not wanting to seem as if I just used Wario's name, I first made little implications that the Rebel was Wario, but scrapped that idea as well and just made the Rebel a seperate character.

I don't personally like the idea of Wario existing within the film's universe, but then again you could have a take on the character that's unusual and original. Go for it.

[1upmushroom]

I suppose that's certainly possible, but I have no real idea how a several-months-old infant would have any relevance to the story at-hand. While it would be interesting to see you to various time skips to before and after Koopa's coup, I would still say that as you're writing a tale set in Dinohattan the focus should stay there.

You see, the cameo is at the end when the nuns find her on the doorstep and after they open the egg of course.

Well, I do like that idea! Cross-continuities are always fun!

Aren't they?

I don't personally like the idea of Wario existing within the film's universe, but then again you could have a take on the character that's unusual and original. Go for it.

Well I decided to think about Wario since the one I have is basically a jerk. Never saw that before.

But anyway stay tuned for more.

MORE STUFF! YAY!

Time to unravel a release date for the prolouge chapter.

SOON! Yeah pretty cheap but I need time to work on it so yeah. Also, the sneak preview poem is coming sooner.

[Prime Evil]

That's the Rebel's profile. I also changed the prison to being owned by the king since giving it to Koopa would just be overpowering him.

Why is that bad? A prison doesn't seem like something the former King would have under his jurisdiction. No, I think you'd better keep it in Koopa's hands, because he's paranoid where the former king is confident.

You also have to consider, why does Koopa want to overthrow the king? Most of the time, a young upstart thinks A) the current king is too soft, or B) they just want a shot at ruling because they think they can do better. I've been reading a biography of Muammar Gaddafi (may his name have many spellings), and I personally think he's got a fair amount in common with King Koopa as far as hostile political takeovers are concerned. Then again, so does Richard of Gloucester.

[1upmushroom]

Why is that bad? A prison doesn't seem like something the former King would have under his jurisdiction. No, I think you'd better keep it in Koopa's hands, because he's paranoid where the former king is confident.

Good point. Also, the reason Koopa wants to overthrow the king is simple. He's not satisfied. He wants more power not knowing how much damage he could cause with a simple screwup. This explains his goal in the movie. He let the sources get wasted so he intends to go to our dimension and take our sources.

[Redstar]

The King might be a positive character now and was at least a more legitimate ruler than Koopa, but I see no reason to doubt the possibility of him being aware of a prison. He's the king. It's his job to mandate law and order throughout the land. Doing so doesn't necessarily make him a terrible person. It just makes him a righteous ruler.

[1upmushroom]

Here's that poem I promised.

The Dream

I had a dream
Of the old team

In this dream we were about
With eyes and ideas full of doubt

But it was very simple
Like trying to squash a pimple

Painful but rewarding

All we had to do
Had something involving you

Wart and Bloober were with worry
But not me I was in a hurry

Besides and mind you this was fair
If they didn't join, then I had wouldn't have to share

This was when I started to wake
As everything started to shake

The last of this dream I know
Was that Wart and Bloober had decided to join the show

Is this poem horrible? Well I think it sounded better while writing it but nothing godawful, just average.

[Redstar]

Is this poem horrible? Well I think it sounded better while writing it but nothing godawful, just average.

I'm not much of a poet, having only written a handful of poems in my life, but I can tell you that yours isn't direct. I don't know what you're trying to get across through a single read-through, nor through any additional passes. A poem is something more than just rhyming; you need to get a point across.

See if you can get any pointers from Reptile-Queen-Daisy, otherwise I might be able to help. Can't promise it'll be positive help, but collaboration is always good.

[1upmushroom]

Well it's supposed to be said by The Rebel after having a dream of his old memories serving Koopa. Remember the ryhming thing for the most part is to annoy people. Also, it proves I never wrote poetry before.

It ALSO proves I should have just kept it hidden until the right time.

[Prime Evil]

The King might be a positive character now and was at least a more legitimate ruler than Koopa, but I see no reason to doubt the possibility of him being aware of a prison. He's the king. It's his job to mandate law and order throughout the land. Doing so doesn't necessarily make him a terrible person. It just makes him a righteous ruler.

Well, yes, that's also true, but I think we're talking about archetypes here. My line of thinking is that the King wouldn't need a prison--he might keep one or two, but he wouldn't have any need for it, because he doesn't see enemies lurking 'round every corner (as does Koopa). He's a just, confident ruler who knows that poverty breeds crime.

One thing that struck me about Gaddhafi (may his name have many spellings) was that he came from a fairly-affluent and liberal background. Koopa, I think, may have done so as well, but he takes it one step further by coming from a clan of Tyrant Lizard...Monarchs, to be PC about it. (There are ladies in there too, I expect). If they were made human, I expect they'd be the most affluent of all.

Also, I don't quite see Koopa as dissatisfied at the King personally--he just recoils at the peace, prosperity, and love-for-all-lizardkind around him. He thinks it a disease...people are complacent, with the instincts of dormice. And THAT'S why he stages a Koop-d'etat (I'll bet none of you thought of that one yet!)--he wants a little war, a little blood-n-thunder to shake things up. Problem is, "this ain't no game"--Koopa finds himself in power, and wondering what to do.

NOW, I have a hint for you: Koopa didn't de-evolve the king straight away. He kept the King prisoner long enough to build the Devo Thingy (I keep wanting to say Roboticizer, but that's Sonic the Hedgehog). And then the fungus hit the fan, and the Dinosaur Kingdom went to hell in a handcart REAL fast.

[Redstar]

Well it's supposed to be said by The Rebel after having a dream of his old memories serving Koopa. Remember the ryhming thing for the most part is to annoy people. Also, it proves I never wrote poetry before. It ALSO proves I should have just kept it hidden until the right time.

I don't think people like to be annoyed. People love hating characters, but not so much being annoyed by them.

Well, yes, that's also true, but I think we're talking about archetypes here. My line of thinking is that the King wouldn't need a prison--he might keep one or two, but he wouldn't have any need for it, because he doesn't see enemies lurking 'round every corner (as does Koopa). He's a just, confident ruler who knows that poverty breeds crime.

I like what you're thinking and where you're coming from, but I'd also like to believe that the concept behind the movie is much smarter than archetypes. Archetypes are good for mythological tales of heroes, super-heroes and monsters, but Super Mario Bros. is (or should be) much more about its characters.

Also, I don't quite see Koopa as dissatisfied at the King personally--he just recoils at the peace, prosperity, and love-for-all-lizardkind around him. He thinks it a disease...people are complacent, with the instincts of dormice. And THAT'S why he stages a Koop-d'etat (I'll bet none of you thought of that one yet!)--he wants a little war, a little blood-n-thunder to shake things up. Problem is, "this ain't no game"--Koopa finds himself in power, and wondering what to do.

I really enjoy this concept for Koopa's backstory and pathos, but I believe he does harbor strong jealousy towards the King that he considers personal. Koopa is an arrogant, selfish man. While intelligent, he probably doesn't see his "Koop-d'etat" in the longterm.

[Prime Evil]

I like what you're thinking and where you're coming from, but I'd also like to believe that the concept behind the movie is much smarter than archetypes. Archetypes are good for mythological tales of heroes, super-heroes and monsters, but Super Mario Bros. is (or should be) much more about its characters.

...I really enjoy this concept for Koopa's backstory and pathos, but I believe he does harbor strong jealousy towards the King that he considers personal. Koopa is an arrogant, selfish man. While intelligent, he probably doesn't see his "Koop-d'etat" in the longterm.

1. Well, yeah, the concept for the movie is, but I meant for the purposes of our discussion and for "The First Rebel." What I'm trying to say is, we have to *start* with the archetype and build upon that, adding wrinkles where necessary.

2. All right, so the King personifies Koopa's discontent. (Hah, there's something else: The Ice Age = "The winter of our discontent"! Do you see what I did there?) But the point still stands--get rid of the king, and...um...PROFIT, I suppose. (Again, no longterm thinking.)

And what I said about Richard III earlier: I think I have to take that back, 'cause in the play, Richard was not really "active" in his plans--he got others to do the dirty work, while he remained in the shadows, plotting, scheming, and spreading rumors (even though the 1995 version with Sir Ian McKellen in it makes him much more of a Koopa-style badass).

Koopa, on the other hand, would (in my view) be much more of an active participant in his own coronation. What else can I say? Loads, as it turns out. Simon has to be a close childhood friend to Koopa...he and Lena are really the only ones whom Koopa treats as equals. In fact, I think Koopa's the "brawn," Simon's the "brains," 'cause he built the Devo Chamber technology and made God-knows-how-many discoveries, and Lena's the means of focusing Koopa's ambitions...his amorality pet, as it were.

You know what? As stupid a movie as Super Mario Bros. is, there's a lot of fun to be had with it. My brain's doing a samba with all this stuff, and this isn't even my project.

[1upmushroom]

WOW. So much discussion over a detail. Anyway, to Redstar, remember this is still in development and I'm only on the stinking prolouge so the ryhming bit may not even appear in the final product.

Plus I have school tomorrow and my laptop is still getting fixed (meaning I had to write most of my ideas and rough drafts on paper) so it will be a while before anything gets started.

I still never thought this kund of discussion would emerge before the thing was even posted!

[Redstar]

Koopa, on the other hand, would (in my view) be much more of an active participant in his own coronation. What else can I say? Loads, as it turns out. Simon has to be a close childhood friend to Koopa...he and Lena are really the only ones whom Koopa treats as equals. In fact, I think Koopa's the "brawn," Simon's the "brains," 'cause he built the Devo Chamber technology and made God-knows-how-many discoveries, and Lena's the means of focusing Koopa's ambitions...his amorality pet, as it were.

Remember, Simon is the cop; not the de-evolution technician. Going by the early scripts, we really have Wart and Bloober to take into account as Koopa's advisers/"brains."

You know what? As stupid a movie as Super Mario Bros. is, there's a lot of fun to be had with it. My brain's doing a samba with all this stuff, and this isn't even my project.

There's so much to work with even from just looking at the film itself. Once you take the early scripts into considreation there's just that much more concept to play around with.

WOW. So much discussion over a detail. Anyway, to Redstar, remember this is still in development and I'm only on the stinking prolouge so the ryhming bit may not even appear in the final product.

Hey, you came up with an interesting concept. We're just doing our part to help you realize it.

[Prime Evil]

Remember, Simon is the cop; not the de-evolution technician. Going by the early scripts, we really have Wart and Bloober to take into account as Koopa's advisers/"brains."

Uh...quoi? Oh, this is based on Merrit Chauncey Mammal's thing [or else one of the earlier scripts], I take it...I'm just going from the film itself, where Simon's the guy in vinyl gloves behind the console. Koopa clearly says, "Simon, de-evolve (Toad)." I don't ever remember the Mustachioed Cop having a name--unless I'm missing something.

[Redstar]

Remember, Simon is the cop; not the de-evolution technician. Going by the early scripts, we really have Wart and Bloober to take into account as Koopa's advisers/"brains."

Uh...quoi? Oh, this is based on Merrit Chauncey Mammal's thing [or else one of the earlier scripts], I take it...I'm just going from the film itself, where Simon's the guy in vinyl gloves behind the console. Koopa clearly says, "Simon, de-evolve (Toad)." I don't ever remember the Mustachioed Cop having a name--unless I'm missing something.

Yeah, this has been a big source of confusion for us, especially in the early days. Koopa's dialogue in that scene is generally considered a flub these days as Don Lake is credited as "Sergeant Simon" (Koopa's main henchman) while Kevin West is the "Devo Controller."

According to early scripts, the Devo Controller (Kevin West's character) was "Bloober" while Jeffrey Pillars (another technician briefly seen in Iggy & Spike's evolution scene) is "Wart."

[Phlibbit]

The funny thing is--what if there's a take of Dennis Hopper saying, "Bloober, de-evolve him now..."

[Prime Evil]

The funny thing is--what if there's a take of Dennis Hopper saying, "Bloober, de-evolve him now..."

That, sah, would have meant paying him more, even for an unused take. I think $250,000 would be my limit for saying a line as painful as "Bloober, de-evolve him now."

I think I've derailed this thread enough, but hopefully this tangent has unearthed a fair share of gems for the upcoming story.

[Redstar]

The funny thing is--what if there's a take of Dennis Hopper saying, "Bloober, de-evolve him now..."

That, sah, would have meant paying him more, even for an unused take. I think $250,000 would be my limit for saying a line as painful as "Bloober, de-evolve him now."

I'm sure many of the other lines said in the film by Hopper can be considered more "painful." Either way, he was being paid overtime anyways. I'd be interested in doing some new ADR work on the film to correct issues like this and "painful dialogue."

[Serum]

Remember, Simon is the cop; not the de-evolution technician. Going by the early scripts, we really have Wart and Bloober to take into account as Koopa's advisers/"brains."

Uh...quoi? Oh, this is based on Merrit Chauncey Mammal's thing [or else one of the earlier scripts], I take it...I'm just going from the film itself, where Simon's the guy in vinyl gloves behind the console. Koopa clearly says, "Simon, de-evolve (Toad)." I don't ever remember the Mustachioed Cop having a name--unless I'm missing something.

The mustached cop is named Mike, who incidentally is the same actor as the cop at the booking desk who says "Hey Mike, take these Marios around," and then the next scene we see the same guy escorting Mario and Luigi around. Mike reappears throughout the movie as various cops or maybe the same cop. It might just be bad editing or a loophole, but I've picked up on this as I watch the movie a lot.

[Prime Evil]

The mustached cop is named Mike, who incidentally is the same actor as the cop at the booking desk who says "Hey Mike, take these Marios around," and then the next scene we see the same guy escorting Mario and Luigi around. Mike reappears throughout the movie as various cops or maybe the same cop. It might just be bad editing or a loophole, but I've picked up on this as I watch the movie a lot.

OK, OK. Now I see why Bob and John needed a pint or two every so often.

[1upmushroom]

(Well, here's the prologue.)

Prologue: Escape.

Point of advice Koopa, you're an asshole.

Though, the odds of you knowing that are very slim. After all, you’re probably sitting in your comfy desk. Who knows Koopa, though you may also be thinking you're very clever. One can't read the minds of anyone. All I know is, you hired me for dirty work, I did my job, and you jail me for being too good at my job.

Isn’t life something, sadly for you I'm not some employee you can easily dispose of see. I'm only here to comfort you, make you confident, and as you sit in your nice office, knowing very well that I'm in some regular rusty old cell, I hope you know I'm coming for you. All you do is act, yet all I do, is wait.

The Rebel was as usual in thought, since that was all the guards would let him do. He always used to think Koopa was an alright person, a bit paranoid, but a fine politician. That was until; the Rebel was labelled a traitor by Koopa when Koopa had found some papers that were blueprints for a bomb in the Rebel's quarters.

Before the Rebel could remark how odd it was that someone who owned a key to his (the Rebels) quarters and of course had many documents with him, suddenly label him (the rebel) as a traitor, the Rebel was sent to the Vista Hills Asylum in the desert. During his few days, the Rebel was often forced to go to counselling and an interrogation session, while the men in the interrogation sessions knew the Rebel was saner than ever and were merely teasing him, the psychiatrists actually thought the Rebel needed help.

Ironically, the Rebel was thinking of today's upcoming sessions when the door opened. Two guards came in with a key to unlock the chains the kept the Rebel from escaping his bed. First, however one guard injected a serum into the Rebel that made him paralyzed so he wouldn't try to make an assault.

Ah, the old serum. Don't you guards ever loosen up? Ha, how the hells a guy supposed to escape?

While no one heard his little joke, the Rebel still laughed inside. After the Rebel was out of his chains, the guards then picked up his legs and dragged them while his body was on the floor. When they were finally at the area they were headed, the guards opened the door, and threw him inside. Of course now the serum wore off and since the floor was solid chrome, he felt very painful.

Well, that was a fine landing.

As the Rebel got up, a female psychiatrist walked in.

"Hello Mr. Smith," the psychiatrist said coldly, "Are we ready to begin?"

"I told you my last name wasn't Smith." The Rebel said,

"Yes, but you never told me your name."

"That was probably the point Miss Jones?"

"Just get up!"

The Rebel then got up and sat down at a rectangular desk but not before he was convinced to do so by the flamethrowers, the guards had. Soon Miss Jones sat down as well, with that menacing stare. As the Rebel looked into Miss Jones' eyes, her cold stare made the Rebel look somewhere else.

"Now," Miss Jones said, "Before we start today's session, I wanted to ask you what you would like to begin with? We can do ink blot tests, discuss ink blot tests, or look at ink blot tests-"

"I think I'll go with ink blot tests." The Rebel said,

"Ah excellent, I have the ink blots all ready for you,

Miss Jones then got out the ink blot tests and showed one to Rebel. It was obviously a question mark but the Rebel thought she was trying to trick him, for if he got the answer wrong, she would shock him.

"Uh, a cane," The Rebel guessed, and then he got shocked with a shock gun.

"OW, god"

"Wrong Mr. Smith" Miss Jones said, "Guess it again please."

"Uh, a duplex with the sun on the bottom?!"

He got shocked again,

"AHH YOU-"

"Wrong again Mr. Smith," Miss Jones said, "The answer was a Question Mark."

You little, I have to stay cool. Just wait it out man, she won't last long.

The Rebel then got his cool and whispered "Proceed,"

Miss Jones then got out another blot test, this time; it was an actual blot test that made one think.
The Rebel thought hard and said, "Two Priests fighting with pocket knifes?"

"Too Violent, I'd also perfer that you not make up characters" Miss Jones said, as she shocked him again.

This time the Rebel then fell to the floor as the guards picked him up and put him back in his seat. The Rebel this time was about to burst and start his plan now but the guards were still there so he just sat there, watching Miss Jones grabbing another blot test. He thought really carefully this time, trying not to get shocked.

"Any minute now, Mr. Smith," Miss Jones said,

The Rebel then cleared his thought and said, "Two bunnies jumping around."

"You’re obviously making that up," Miss Jones said, as she shocked him again.

The Rebel got shocked once more. The next blot test was simpler but the Rebel still got shocked. Miss Jones got out another one and he got shocked. Miss Jones pulled out another one and, yet again, he got shocked. The Rebel fell again as this time he got himself up without help and sat in his chair. Before Miss Jones pulled out another blot test, the Rebel begged her not to.

"Please," the Rebel said, "That's enough trial and error for my tastes."

"Very well Mr. Smith," Miss Jones said,

Miss Jones then put them away and decided to do a new session.

"Now Mr. Smith," Miss Jones said, "Let us talk about your recent dreams, it always helps to discuss what goes on in the mind."

The Rebel then smirked as the guards left the room. They obviously didn't want to hear what he had to say, after all whatever he said would make anyone scared. As Miss Jones got out a tape recorder the Rebel then leaned forward as Miss Jones looked confused.

"So," Miss Jones said, "I-I'd like to hear your dreams please."

"Certainly," the Rebel said, "Should I skip the demon or not?"

Miss Jones shocked the Rebel again.

"AHH"

"Leave your humour out of this please. Now let me ask you again-"

"Actually Miss Jones," the Rebel said smirking while wincing, "I'd like to ask you a question."

"Very well," Miss Jones said,

"Ok," he said, "Let's say a snotty psychiatrist continues to torture an innocent sane man for the fun of it, naturally she has done this before and thus, is surprised when he snaps and wants to do nothing but kill her. She runs but realizes no matter where she goes it seems everyone is now out to get her. Where is the safest place she could hide?"

"I...Don't know," Miss Jones said, nervously

The Rebel then grabbed the shock gun, set it to" painful" and quickly shocked her.

"Insanity of course," the Rebel said coldly, he then opened the window and made a big noise to have the guards come in.

When the guards came in, the Rebel shocked one of the guards, took the flamethrower from another guard and shocked that guard with the shock-gun. Then the Rebel grabbed the keys, took off the clothes of both guards, got on a guard suit, took the other flamethrower and thought seriously about shooting Miss Jones.

Oh god, do I hate saying goodbye. Well, maybe not that much.

The Rebel then shot Miss Jones with the flame-thrower, left the session and room and kept walking among the corridors. The Rebel punched two guards along the way to get their ID cards.

These will come in handy I bet.

Also along the way the Rebel met several inmates, there was Dr. Peter, a man who was fused with a piranha plant during an explosion. There was also the cell of a self proclaimed prophet that often predicted the coming of alien like visitors called the Shroobs. All were allies of the Rebel but the one he was looking for was Wario's cell and he found it too.

After unlocking the cell the Rebel unlocked the chains and Wario was set free. The rebel then threw Wario some clothes.

"Put these on," the Rebel ordered.

When Wario was done, the Rebel handed him a flame-thrower.

"Thanks for coming," Wario said,

"No problem," the Rebel said.

They both escaped the main corridor and, after a few more corridors, were at the main lobby; they quickly signed themselves out by using the IDs (they of course put their fingers across the pictures of the real officers) and finally were outside at the parking area. The Rebel and Wario then sneaked in a garbage truck and drove off into the desert.

"You know," Wario said, "When you said you could easily escape, you meant it."

The Rebel grinned as the truck drove into the unknown desert as the alarms (finally) set off.

[1upmushroom]

NOTE: I give my permission to anyone who meges this post with the prolouge.

Chapter 1: Some Supplies.

What do you know that escape was easier than I thought? Too easy in fact, I gotta keep my guard up from now on. You never know what dickish event life’s gonna throw at you. This garbage isn't that bad a car, though we'll need a more subtle one when we reach the city.

The Rebel was driving very fast along the seemingly endless desert road. Luckily, there were never cops roaming the desert, it was too hot and would cost half of the cops at station in the city to patrol at least 34 ft of a billion foot desert. Besides it was a long drive, and the Rebel needed as much time as he could get. They first needed to go to the nearest Telephone booth and call some of Wario's friend and plus, they were extremely light on cash.

Luckily, Wario happened to have looked through the truck and has found Chain Chomps. These were no ordinary grappling hooks. The Chain Chomp could hold on to anything and with a couple of adjusting, could pull anything it latched onto. Truly some fine things were found in 1973. As Wario fiddled with the Chain Chomps to see if both worked, the Rebel was busy flooring the gas pedal as the city was soon coming into view.

The Rebel started to slow down when he saw a phone booth about 4 miles from the city. The Rebel stopped the truck as Wario and him got out of the car and approached the booth. During the night, the booth's blue/white colour made it nice. The red and green neon "PHONE BOOTH" was also neat. Beside the telephone was a brown metallic box with the blue and red sign" GET YOUR CHANGE HERE." Wario aimed his Chain Chomp at the box and watched as it latched onto the box. Then with a great pull, the box was ripped from the machine as millions of gold coins almost filled the floor.

"You need to make any calls?" The Rebel asked,

"Yeah," Wario said.

"Well I got no one to talk to, so go ahead."

Wario then used the telephone and dialled the numbers.

“Hey Jimmy,” Wario said, “yeah, who else? No, not this time, I’m out. You heard me, yeah, yeah, yeah, what part of yeah did you not understand? So how’s the company, good, very good. What? Uh-huh, yeah I got it. How’s she? You know who I mean, good, see you.”

Wario then got in the truck with the coins as they drove off. Soon, in the truck, Wario was counting the gold coins, licking his snake like tongue against the coins, and cackling like a witch. The Rebel wanted to ask Wario to stop but decided against it, seeing how it's never a good idea to piss off a man whose ancestor is a cobra. Pretty soon they were in the city. The Rebel was gazing at the countless uses of red and orange neon everywhere while Wario went looking for a car.

The Rebel soon gazed at a typical riot going on around Python Pizza. It was over very quick as the cops arrived and helped in their most signature style by blasting the hell out of everyone. Soon, Wario appeared in a yellow Cadillac that looked like it swallowed 4 whole jars of steroids and opened the passenger door as the Rebel got in. The radio was playing music not even a stoner could make sense of as Wario drove very slowly, an oddity for the city folk there. The Rebel was getting a little nervous and feared they might get caught; however Wario just listened to the nonsensical beats and the occasional gibberish that counted as lyrics.

"So where to now," Wario asked,

"We should get some new clothes." The Rebel said,

"I think we should go get a doughnut land doughnut first."

"Too bad, we're getting our stuff first."

Wario glared at the Rebel, warningly. He glared back as well, Wario then started to chuckle as stopped at a thrift store called "The Toad House" with a mushroom icon instead of the T in the word Toad. The store itself was pretty unorganized and filled with junk no one would want. Wario found the clothes section he started started going through jackets, pants, glasses, boots, and most of all, accessories.

Wario chose a nice yellow jacket with yellow pants; his shirt choice was a purple shirt complete with a purple lizard skin tie. He also picked a pair of glasses, plus a yellow hat. Not the manliest set of colours, but Wario made it look cool. In fact, Wario made anything look cool. To top it off, Wario had some rings, and a cane.

The Rebel went for a more plain and subtle look with a brown shirt, blue pants, black shoes, and some glasses. After paying for all this, the gentle men then changed into their outfits, sold the police outfits for a mere 50 coins each, and before they left Wario secretly caught a rat and ate it in one bite. While at the thrift store, they also bought things like tools, a couple of metal parts, plus some paper and pen. They were all ready when Wario asked to go to “Donut Land Doughnuts”.

Oh god Wario really? Eh, I could use a doughnut

(end of chapter)

[1upmushroom]

Wow, this must be the best thing I ever written. I could never tell when, oh of course, ha ha ha ha ha ha you don't ever reply to any of my chapters! I mean geesh, I'm sorry if you don't like my work but I can't improve my work if you don't reply.

I'm not even really mad about this, it's just that, I want to have at least someone review my story.

[Prime Evil]

Wow, this must be the best thing I ever written. I could never tell when, oh of course, ha ha ha ha ha ha you don't ever reply to any of my chapters! I mean geesh, I'm sorry if you don't like my work but I can't improve my work if you don't reply.

I'm not even really mad about this, it's just that, I want to have at least someone review my story.

Well, it would help if you had the whole thing up. That way, we could see where it's going.

Having said that, you do capture the absurdities of the Dinoverse very well just with the Ghostbusters-inspired psychiatry session.

Also, I would suggest putting this out on other forums and/or blogs. Try signing up with fanfiction.net or something; it might help if you got critiques from more experienced writers. Don't give up hope!

[1upmushroom]

Well I got noticed that's enough for me.

Chapter 2: Old friends.

Hmm, those doughnuts were pretty damn good. Then again, I've been eating mostly crap for many, many months so anything should taste amazing. Now then, off to our next location.

The Rebel and Wario then got out of their car and headed into the Hammer Bros. Tattoo shop, the Rebel heard there was another one in the south part of the city called Sarasshaland, but the original owners are still here. Wario hit the bell as one of the Brothers came to the cashier centre.

"Hello Mac," The Rebel said, just grinning as Mac almost fell down shock.

"You," Mac shrieked, "How did-"

"Please call me Mr. Smith everyone did back at the asylum," The Rebel said, "Even your brother Mark."

"What about Mark?" Mac said,

"Nothing, honestly just brought him up, listen I need you Mac."

"Why...Mr. Smith"

"Because I'm making a revolution against Koopa and I need your knowledge."

"What-"

"Don't lie to me Mac," The Rebel said, "I know your still apart of Koopa's secret group. I know a guy in New York-"

"You mean the other realm," Mac said.

"Yes, the other realm, anyway, of course I’d just go to the uh...secret place, however I’m not as stupid as the others thought I was. Because if they think I’m just going to walk in there and yell, HEY LOOK AT ME, they are sorely, sorely, mistaken. Now, you must be asking why I need your help. Well its simple really, I just need to know what the changes to the security are and how I can avoid them."

“Nothing’s changed. There’s been, n-n-no security-“

“Don’t piss on my intelligence Mac you know how much I hate that.”

“I-I-I-I’m not,”

“Oh yeah Mac sure, Koopa’s done NOTHING to the security after I was taken away. You really expect me to believe that?! Come on Mac, I’ve been fed crap for months; I don’t need any more in my mouth! We ALL know Koopa’s just paranoid enough to up the security! I just need to know what new challenges I’m going to be facing.”

“I’m telling you-“

The Rebel sighed,

“I’m hoping it’s not going to come to this Mac.”

He then got out his flamethrower and clicked the trigger showing the flames flickering. Mac hesitated for a bit, sweat dropping down his head quickly, until he finally opened the door leading to his office.

"Alright, I'll explain in the back," Mac said.

Wario and the Rebel walked inside as Mac sneakily got out a hammer. Mac then threw the hammer, quickly hurting both Wario and the Rebel as Mac called the police. Wario then fired his Chain Chomp at Mac, and pulled Mac to them. Wario then grabbed some gloves with spikes on the knuckles, put them on, and repeatedly punched Mac in the fast with his fist. The Rebel then grabbed the hammers as they quickly left the scene.

The Rebel and Wario got in the car and drove around mindlessly, successfully blending in, with the others. After a while the Rebel parked the car and they got out quickly.

"What now?" Wario asked,

just then an old lady with a charity box said, "Penny for the poor?"

The Rebel and Wario ignored her when she pulled a shock gun and yelled, "HEY PUNKS!"

Wario then got out his flamethrower and shot her. However this time, the Rebel felt a bit of disgust in his mind. He even felt it when Wario killed Mac at the store. This always happened whenever he or someone with him killed a person that he felt didn’t deserve to get such a cold death.

I can’t believe I’m sick at what I’ve been doing for years before my last stop at New York. Yet, I still think it’s wrong to just go out and shoot someone. I mean yeah, that bitch Jones I wasted but that was because I knew she liked torturing other people and not getting away with it. Even with Mac, I only pulled out that flamethrower to get him talking. I never intended to use it on him. I got to tell Wario he has to stop this.

The Rebel walked forward but stopped dead in his tracks. He was lost in his thoughts again.

But wait, I can’t just bluntly tell him that. I got an image on my shoulders here.

"You know," The Rebel said, "We're going to have to stop constantly killing people unless we want t the cops to find us."

“Oh yeah,” Wario said sarcastically,

“Listen I just got out of the asylum man, and I’m not going to take you screwing me up the ass by putting me right back there in a millisecond so cool it!”

“Hey, I’ll do whatever I goddamn want Mr. Smith! Just because you’re worried about getting sent back to that old place doesn’t mean I have to be!”

“Look, we need to stop fighting and continue our plan!”

Wario thought for a second and finally gave up, “Alright, I give.”

“Good, now we need a base to put all our stuff and camp out. Somewhere they’ll never suspect.”

"Somewhere they’ll never expect huh," Wario said, "ok, ok I got someone who can help us."

Wario then got in the car and started it up.

"Where to," The Rebel said getting in,

"My old warehouse that I ran in ‘67," Wario said, "She's got to be there."

“Who’s that?”

Wario grinned his most devious grin,

“My wife,” He said.

(end of chapter)

[Redstar]

I'm not even really mad about this, it's just that, I want to have at least someone review my story.

Sorry for not responding. I wish I could as often as I used to, but Phlibbit and I have both been very busy the last few months. I've certainly paid attention to this topic and have read each chapter, though.

I really like the characters, though I'm curious what their motivations are and why they're working together. I'd like to see how you explore their backstory and role in the film's universe as the story progresses. That's certainly a hook.

However, the writing itself needs work. You have a habit of being repetitive (constantly referring to "The Rebel" even when it would be clear from context) and sometimes writing about things irrelevant to the action at hand (Wario attacking a phone booth in the desert). Unlike life, you only need to show what's important to the characters and the story. You don't need to tell any more or less than that.

[1upmushroom]

One, don't worry you'll see the motivations soon enough. Second I think Wario attacking the phone booth is important because it explains how they got the money. Also, I like to add to the crazy antics of the dinoverse because it's really fun thinking of a great wacky scene.

Though I will lessen the thing with the Rebel. I'm glad you liked the characters and I trust you didn't mind Wario?

[1upmushroom]

Alright guys I have used microsoft word for a while and now, I present the new and improved first 3 chapters! They'll be taking the place of the original verswion, plus they have new content in them. Also, this may be obvious but I can't stress this enough, this isn't for anyone under 10 years old, mostly becasue my inspirations were V for Vendetta and Bladerunner. Though in this stage, it's mostly Bladerunner that's the inspiration.

Ok, I admitt sometimes things go to far and a mod has to censor things. However I'd like to ask if you would send me a pm that you're about to censor so that I can have the chance to censor it myself.

[Redstar]

It's better to draft out each chapter with the main plot points and character interactions so that you only need to write through it once before doing a final edit. You won't get anywhere by revisiting the first three chapters before actually getting to the actual plot of the story.

I recommend just moving forward. You can come back and change/expand things once you're finished. If the drafting went well enough you would ideally not even have to make much changes.

[1upmushroom]

Well, this revisit was mostly just to fix the bad grammar. The extra content was also mostly to fix plot holes like the phone booth scene, in the original version, Wario said he needed to call someone, yet he never does.

However, this will probably be the last time I'll revisit.

[Redstar]

Good to hear. Just be sure to draft all your future chapters and it'll make the actual writing much easier. Drafting is like having a map of where you need to go; you have all the sights and streets drawn down, so it's only a matter of writing about the journey between them.

Overall your writing is much better than what I would prescribe to someone your age. Keep it up, accept criticism and continue with your imagination and I'm sure you'll be writing epics in no time.

[1upmushroom]

Chapter 3: One room for the night.

The warehouse, I thought Wario hated that place. He said it was too old and dusty for him. That’s why he moved into the abandoned clubhouse in central part of the city, at least I think that’s why he moved. Anyway, from looking on the gas meter, the car’s almost empty. We’ll never be able to get there tonight without running out, plus I’m too tired to give a shit about anything right now so we out to sleep in a hotel for the night.

The Rebel patted on Wario’s shoulder as he said, “Pull over”. Wario then turned to a parking area and stopped on a dime.

“What,” Wario said impatiently,

“We should stay at a hotel tonight,” the Rebel said,

“Why?”

“We’re almost out of gas; we’ll never make it there before we completely run out. Besides it’s a long drive to the next gas station if we go now, I say we stay here.”

“Ok, but I still don’t see why we can’t just refill and get out of-”

"BECAUSE I’M TIRED AND I WANT TO SLEEP IN A REAL BED DAMMIT!”

After a full 24 seconds, Wario merely shrugged and drove to nearest hotel. They soon came across “Don Pianta’s Casino and Hotel”, a huge giant building that took up most of the left side of the street. It looked really nice with its heavy use of neon, and unique structure. The best part however was that it was next to a gas station that was only a block away. Wario parked the car in the parking area, got out and entered the hotel area.

The Rebel just sat there, slowly falling asleep while watching a lot of chaos ensue.

This world disgusts me to no end. Yet it’s not the world that’s changed, it’s me that’s changed. I never realized what a remorseless disturbing life I was living. At first I loved it, now I know however of a better alternative, for me anyway. I’d rather be at New York the other world. At there, more peace and order is around, I can walk around with more security than here, I can talk to people without thinking I’m going to mugged, and I let people in my home without checking to make sure they’re not going to kill me.

Wario then tapped on the glass as he opened the back doors and got out the extra clothes. After a couple of stairs, they were finally at their room as they ditched they’re prison uniforms and sat on the beds. Wario turned on the TV as he fixed his pillow a bit and relaxed. He turned a couple channels until he stopped at a channel which showed low budget action movies.

“So,” The Rebel said, “Who all’s going to be there?”

“Just Mona and the kid,” Wario said, “”I think his name’s Johnny or whatever.”

“You don’t even know your own kid’s name?”

“I was busy with a couple of things you know like being in an asylum for about a year or two!”

“You could have at least checked up on him during phone calls.”

“Hey, I thought you were tired, I’m going to be very pissed if I find out we wasted half of my money!”

“I am tired!”

“Well go to bed!”

“I will!”

“You’re still talking!”

“So are you!”

“Fine, I’ll stop!”

“Good!”

“Goodnight Wario!”

“See you in the morning asshole!”

Wario then turned the TV off and rested on the bed. The Rebel did the same while looking up at the ceiling. After a couple of minutes, he finally dozed off and slept pretty well. When the morning came, the Rebel was the first to wake up. Sleeping in that bed really did wonders for him, his back was better since it no longer rested on solid ground and he felt better too. The Rebel then neatly cleaned his bed up as he turned on the TV and changed it to the news.
The Newscaster said, “Be on the lookout for two escaped nutcases who just last night, had entered the central part of the city. They had just escaped from Vista Hills Asylum and are known to be very conniving. They are very dangerous and are more insane than a retarded mammal. Here is what they look like.”

Then, pictures of Wario and the Rebel came up as the Newscaster explained in more detail. The Rebel cursed under his breath while watching. After the news ended he turned the TV off and woke up Wario.

“Get up,” He said, “we got to get out of here.”

Wario yawned, “Why, did you screw something up?”

“No, the news warned the public about us.”

“What?!”

“Just saw it a couple minutes ago; the whole damn city knows we’re criminals now.”

“Well don’t whine yet, just ‘cause they know we’re out doesn’t mean-”

“They showed our pictures on the news as well.”

“Damn! Well what do we do?”

“Barely anyone watches the news anymore; the only way the news is spread is by gossip. That means we have some time to get out of here before the authorities get us.”

So, after sneakily getting outside (Wario threw a chair at the window and they got out since their room was a foot high and their car was basically two blocks from the window), they got in the car and drove to the gas station. There was no messing around as they had a limit, and the scary thing was they didn’t know when it would end. After paying for the gas with fake money that Wario got, they were soon out of the city and into the east part of the city. The Rebel merely rested a bit and was put into thought.

(end of chapter)

[Serum]

Okay, I just read through most of this. It's a solid idea, but you need to lose the Wario character. If Wario is the parallel alternate of Mario, who is supposed to be 35 in the finished film, then going back in time by twenty years would make Mario and Wario only fifteen years old. I like the idea of the city being underdeveloped as Koopa hasn't yet seen much of the other side in order to base his wicked construction projects on our own, but you need to work on your writing style: Every time a character says something, you go out of quotes and write the words "(Character) said."

Change it up a little, sometimes you don't even have to say who said it at all as it's obvious to who said it. This is purely constructive criticism from a writer. When you describe stuff, go into heavy detail, not as heavy as someone like, say, Stephen King, but be descriptive, make the reader really hang on to every word in a poetic form. Don't just write what it is, write what you see in your mind in the most fluid and lucid way possible.

Keep a dictionary and a thesaurus handy when writing in order to avoid repeating the same words over and over again and most of all, try to keep your word-count per-chapter up. Since this is a fan-fiction, there's no need for it to be terribly long, or terribly short. It should go on as long as it has to, but I would aim at doing a word-count of around 2,500 words per chapter-- 2,500 is the standard length of a short story/flash fiction. This way you don't bore the reader with too much, or antagonize them with too little. Other than that, keep it up and keep on writing!

[1upmushroom]

Okay, I just read through most of this. It's a solid idea, but you need to lose the Wario character. If Wario is the parallel alternate of Mario, who is supposed to be 35 in the finished film, then going back in time by twenty years would make Mario and Wario only fifteen years old. I like the idea of the city being underdeveloped as Koopa hasn't yet seen much of the other side in order to base his wicked construction projects on our own, but you need to work on your writing style: Every time a character says something, you go out of quotes and write the words "(Character) said."

Change it up a little, sometimes you don't even have to say who said it at all as it's obvious to who said it. This is purely constructive criticism from a writer. When you describe stuff, go into heavy detail, not as heavy as someone like, say, Stephen King, but be descriptive, make the reader really hang on to every word in a poetic form. Don't just write what it is, write what you see in your mind in the most fluid and lucid way possible.

Keep a dictionary and a thesaurus handy when writing in order to avoid repeating the same words over and over again and most of all, try to keep your word-count per-chapter up. Since this is a fan-fiction, there's no need for it to be terribly long, or terribly short. It should go on as long as it has to, but I would aim at doing a word-count of around 2,500 words per chapter-- 2,500 is the standard length of a short story/flash fiction. This way you don't bore the reader with too much, or antagonize them with too little. Other than that, keep it up and keep on writing!

Ok, with how I write the story, I agree it could use some work. At least it has less grammatical problems. However I don't know about losing Wario. He's already established in the fan fic by 4 chapters besides I never really was going for a Mario is a parallel counterpart of Wario like you were. I was merely paralleling bits and pieces of the movie's plot.

Also word number counts were never really a favorite of mine. All they do is restrict how much words you put in a chapter. If I think I should shorten a chapter, it shouldn't be because of the word number count. Though that's just what I think.

[Serum]

Like I said, it's completely up to you. However, the professional opinion on word-counts is a bit of advice I think you ought to heed. If you're having trouble with your current word processor's word counter, try downloading Open Office and when you want to see how many words you've written, go to "Tools" then click "Word Count." Again, I'm not trying to tell you how to do it, but keeping track of a word count per chapter and a total word count is never a bad thing!

[1upmushroom]

Like I said, it's completely up to you. However, the professional opinion on word-counts is a bit of advice I think you ought to heed. If you're having trouble with your current word processor's word counter, try downloading Open Office and when you want to see how many words you've written, go to "Tools" then click "Word Count." Again, I'm not trying to tell you how to do it, but keeping track of a word count per chapter and a total word count is never a bad thing!

Well thanks for your criticism anyway. Also to help ease your mind out of that parallel. Issue think of Luigi's counterpart, well it can't the Rebel even though they'd be the closet because the Rebel was older than Luigi would be at this time, also it certainly wouldn't ne Waluigi mostly because of age and there's nothing that parallels them in this fiction.

Wario isn't really a counterpartm *he's just a means for the Rebel to get his revenge. Anyway how should I do my monologue parts with the Rebel? I'm trying to make it a bit noir while staying
Important to the story. After the last chapter however it kind of doesn't add anything to the story. Any advice?

*This has a double meaning.

[Serum]

That's all well and good, but typically I think of Wario as an bad man. Not evil, mind you, but bad. The way Han Solo is a bad man-- in the world I come from, Han shot first. The same goes for Wario, he's good, but he's so heavily corrupted it leads him to do evil deeds much of the time and he often finds himself doing things that probably piss Mario and Luigi off.