The First Rebel, an SMB Prequel

[superwesleybros]

I like how Wario's dressed in disco garb. That's a nice touch.

Haha Yeah, When I read that Wario put on a yellow jacket, pants, hat and purple shirt. I instantly Imagined 70's clothes. and since it takes place in 1973, it works. thanks Serum.

*edit*
I drew up this little prologue scene for 1up. I hope you like it.

[1upmushroom]

The First Rebel's pose is a bit off, but otherwise it's perfect.

[superwesleybros]

The First Rebel's pose is a bit off, but otherwise it's perfect.

Yeah, It's hard to find good pics of young Harrison Ford. lol

*Another Poster for 1up*

[1upmushroom]

*Another Poster for 1up*

The garbadge truck is a bit generic but overall it's pretty good..

[superwesleybros]

The garbadge truck is a bit generic but overall it's pretty good..

I was looking for something 70's.

[Redstar]

Nice chapter. Gets the story going and demonstrates that there's a whole world of characters and backstories out there as of yet unexplored. Just a couple comments:

Big bulky shoulder pads rested on his shoulders. His entire legs were covered by black knee pads. A big bulky bag was on his left shoulder; inside it were thousands of giant hammers.

How exactly does one carry "thousands" of "giant" hammers? Maybe dozens or possibly hundreds of small hammers, but "thousands" of "giant" hammers seems an impossibility.

I'm also curious if "Mark" is named after Mark Jeffrey Miller, the actor who portrayed the cut Lizard Man. That'd be a pretty cool cameo.

superwesleybros: I like all the new posters, but re-using the same Harrison/DeVito images for bases is getting boring. I would also like to see more discussion for the actual story than on the poster-work. Keep things equally productive.

[superwesleybros]

I like all the new posters, but re-using the same Harrison/DeVito images for bases is getting boring. I would also like to see more discussion for the actual story than on the poster-work. Keep things equally productive.

I did what 1upmushroom told me to do, movie posters tend to recycle the same images anyway.

As for the story, It's awesome. I can't wait to see more.

[1upmushroom]

"thousands" of "giant" hammers seems an impossibility.

Well it was explained that Mark took serious expirementation while in the labs. I tried to make the hammers giant so they wouldn't become useless when Mark turns into a monster. Other than that, I also liked tihs chapter. It was my first attempt at a long action scene in this story. Of course when I first wrote it I imagined it to be even longer and a bit more graphic. For example Mark's uvula was supposed to be ripped off by the fireball but however I wrote that bit it always sounded laughable.

Plus I forgot to include Mark destroying that part of the town. Why? Because it would start showing the decline of the once large city.

[Redstar]

Well it was explained that Mark took serious expirementation while in the labs. I tried to make the hammers giant so they wouldn't become useless when Mark turns into a monster.

If the only reason the hammers can have a purpose is by violating any sense than you should probably have excluded them entirely. They don't really do anything, at least in terms of how they're described.

[1upmushroom]

Well I did what you asked.

[Redstar]

Well I did what you asked.

You shouldn't do it because I or anyone else asked. It's your story and we're only hear to offer our thoughts. You take what advice you like and ignore what you feel isn't necessary.

[1upmushroom]

Well I did what you asked.

You shouldn't do it because I or anyone else asked. It's your story and we're only hear to offer our thoughts. You take what advice you like and ignore what you feel isn't necessary.

Well it looked pretty rediciulous don't you think?

[Redstar]

The chapter does read a lot more smoothly now, so it's a good change. You just need to keep everything in focus so that you don't slip into the completely insane or inane.

[Prime Evil]

How exactly does one carry "thousands" of "giant" hammers?

As carefully as possible.

[1upmushroom]

Alright new chapter finally up. Just to make you guys aware, this is more of a breather chapter. The plot doesn't really advance here, it's mostly there to have the characters breath and just talk about stuff.
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Chapter 10: The Other Realm.

That was close. Well, at least everyone’s ok here. Should we go back to the base?

The Rebel was in the front seat and, as usual in deep thought, Mona was driving, Tyler was in the back sleeping, and Wario and Jimmy were in the back as well, talking about business.

“How do long do you reckon I have before they shut me down?” Wario asked,

“About a week,” said Jimmy, “Maybe even less.”

“How am I supposed to pay my debt in only a week, the price is so high it could take more than a month!”

“Do what you always do man.”

“That won’t work this time. They made sure of it.”

There was silence once more until Jimmy broke the ice: “So, what was it like?”

“What, New York?” The Rebel asked,

“I thought it was called the other universe or whatever-”

“The other realm” Wario said, “For what I saw it wasn’t that different from here.”

“Besides the fact that it’s a lot less violent and shitty,” the Rebel said,

“I don’t know man, from what I saw the crime and violence rate was only two or three percent less.”

“Is the entertainment better?” Jimmy asked,

“Eh, we usually never had enough time to catch a flick. From what I saw, it was ok.” Wario said, “but what’s really odd is the way they do TV around there.”

“What do you mean?”

The Rebel sat up and turned to the back seat,

“Well, the thing is, whenever you cuss on a television program they replace it with a sound or they just erase it entirely. Also, the TV guys tend to show little to no violence what so ever.”

Jimmy got out a cigarette and replied: “So, you can show whatever the hell you want in movies, but on TV, you have to make family friendly bullshit.”

The Rebel sighed, “Not all adult stuff has to have cussing and blood and guts you know.”

“That don’t fucking matter, the point is why the hell do these people show violence in movies, but pretend it don’t fucking exist on TV.”

“Well Jimmy, some people don’t like to watch nothing but violence and cussing on TV.”

“Bullshit,” Wario said, “I say the reason they censor that stuff on TV is because it’s free.”

“Oh I see,” Jimmy said, “You have to pay to see the good stuff!”

“Look, I’m sure it’s not that” the Rebel said,

“What’s with you all of a sudden anyway,” Wario said, “the guy I know would’ve agreed with us.”

The Rebel started to defend himself but stopped dead in his tracks:

Holy shit, I have changed!

The Rebel remained quiet until Mona broke the ice this time,

“So what was it that you guys actually did.”

The Rebel released a sigh of relief,

“We were basically agents of the king. We were sent there to study the residents and other dimension overall. You know, what they ate, where they slept, how they lived through life, the climates, the land, all that good stuff.”

“It must have been interesting,” she said sarcastically,

“It actually was for the most part.”

“Hey,” Wario said, “Remember the football game?”

“Oh yeah” the Rebel said while chuckling a little, “That was overblown as hell.”

“What do you mean?” Mona asked,

“Ok so first of all,” Wario began, “We have to wait two hours in a line of people. Then we see an entire jungle of shops and food stops and whatnot.”

“Then, we finally go to the stadium or whatever it’s called,” The Rebel said, “But first we have to wait an hour or so because the players aren’t ready. Then, we see guys in suits run around the arena and me and Wario think “Did we just pay seven dollars for this?” THEN, the residents stand up to sing some sort of national anthem as we just sit down, wondering what the hell is going on.”

“So finally the game starts,” Wario said, “It’s basically guys running around trying to catch a diamond shaped ball while the guys suits run in the background. So him and me are watching the game as we both say:”

The Rebel and Wario both said: “This is just an excuse for people to beat the living shit out of each other.”

“Really?” Mona said,

“We’re not kidding.” Wario said,

“Oh look” Mona said, “We’re here.”

Wait, what? Where are we?
_______________________________________________________________________________________________

PLUMBER ALERT! The Excorsist has been elimnated due to it's unneccessary-ness.

[1upmushroom]

You know looking back on Chapter 10 I'm beginning to think of what Egon from Ghostbusters 2 said: "Short but pointless."

However the next chapter should pick things up a little as they're finally going to the Koopa Towers to start kicking Koopa's ass.


Don't worry it won't be like this one which was a bad example of Tarantinoing.

[Redstar]

I'm glad that you're still thinking about this story. You've written far too much to simply let the characters not complete their journey. Looking forward to the next chapter!

[1upmushroom]

I'm glad people are still interested in this! In hindsight I could've toned down the violence a little bit and implement more Maqrio things in it but so far the fic's good in it's own right and the story wasn't really supposed to be a fan fic of the games but instead a fan fic of the movie.

Chapter 11(technically Chapter 12) will be posted this week or next week. Maybe even the day after tomorrow if I can write fast enough.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________

Chapter 11: Easy Infiltration

The newly built towers loomed over the giant city. The Rebel remembered when it was first being constructed. When he started out, the King's "humble" abode was just a couple of offices and a room or two hidden inside what looked like a department store. Of course nowadays since they got a taste of places like New York, the city is resembling New York more and more everyday so it was natural for the home of the King to resemble such a masterful piece of architecture. The Rebel personally perferred the original place but he was only an agent, scratch that, researcher for the king, it's not like his opinion mattered.

However, he couldn't decide what he should've been thinking about now. The fact that this was the first time in years since he's been near those towers or the fact that Mona had brought them there without any disguises!

"Are he crazy?" he hissed in her ears,

"Don't worry, I got a friend here that'll help us."

When they all got out of the car, Mona was the first to actually go inside. After a few minutes of waiting and smoking (Jimmy had found some ciggarettes and a lighter in the car) she came out with a black bag and, following her in pursuit was another woman who actually had a little bit in common with her. Both were pretty fine looking and had long red hair. The main difference was their eye colors and clothes. Mona wore a tight black suit while the other woman wore a blue jacket and dress.

"Boys," Mon said, "Meet Lena, Lena meet the boys."

"Hello," she said,

"Uh, how are you-" Wario began to say before Lena snapped at him,

"Listen here eggsuckers I know who you are, what you did, and that you're wanted maniacs now the way I see it we can just stand here and keep chatting, or we can get busy and you can do whatever you want to do without me losing my job! Alright?"

The sudden burst of surprise captured everyone except her as she began examining everyone.

"Alright you," she said pointing at the Rebel while taking his brown coat off, "Take this coat off and get one from the bag."

After that she moved to Jimmy and Wario and said, "You men need to change completely!" as she handed them black jakcets, shirts, and pants. She looked at Mona, "I think you're just fine," she said while examining her closely "Though you may need a flamethrower to make them believe you're on duty." Then, she finally looked at Tyler and said, "We have a problem with this one. Kids aren't allowed inside the building unless they're related to royalty." She then looked at Mona, "Why exactly did you bring him anyway?"

She just scoffed at Lena and then glared at the Rebel as he mumbled, "Exactly what I said."

All Tyler did was shrug and say, "I can just stay outside in the car."

"No, no," Lena argued, "The guards'll eventually find you and may end up questioning you."

"Come on," the Rebel said, "the security here isn't that paranoid!"

She just looked at him, "They weren't, until you broke out."

"That's crazy!" He said, "I'm not after the King!"

"Then what are you here for?"

The Rebel almost said he was after Koopa but after Mona shook her furiously he just said, "We'll tell you later."

Lena just turned her attention back to Tyler and said, "Ok, how well can you hide?"

"Pretty well."

"Ok," she then pointed to the car and said, "Hide in the car."

"Where?"

"Just on the floor!"

"You don't have to be mea-"

Lena then sternly put her hands on his shoulders and said, "Look, I'm trying to help and I can't help it if I'm mean or not especially when we don't have a lot of time left! Now go inside that car and hide where I said to!"

After Tyler did what he was told to, Jimmy and Wario had already changed, (behind a trash can of course) and they now looked like the members of a stereotypical secret agency. Lena then looked at the group now and said, "Alright you're ready now. Just follow me and you won't be in trouble."

Then, faster than a rocket launch, Lena had opened the door leading into the Towers. Now that everyone was in, the mission has begun.

[Redstar]

Looks like the story is really picking up. Glad to see you return to your writing like this. Hopefully Carnie can jump in and offer any thoughts and advice as I have been.

[1upmushroom]

Ok, this chapter was co-written by Redstar, just wanted to point that out.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________

Chapter 12: The Hub.

The inside of the building was so much like the background of a repeating 1960s cartoon that you'd swear they had circled the same hallway a dozen times now. The Rebel couldn't count how many times he had seen this one portrait of the King and Queen. The bizarreness of the building made him feel like his brain would explode. It felt like forever before they finally arrived at the elevator.

A guard was stationed there, though a quick talk with Lena left them free to enter. The doors slowly opened, allowing the group to enter a room of pure metal. The only sound heard was of the old love tune called "Somewhere My Love.” After everyone was in, Lena quickly signalled the elevator to take to them to the 25th floor with the push of a button and they were off.

Conversation quickly faded as the elevator carried them up and up towards floor 25. The doors took their time opening themselves. When they finally opened all the way, Lena wasted no time showing them to her office.

While not high class or anything, this place had a comforting feel to it with a pretty nice view outside considering the squalor and chaos below. The Rebel observed Lena's desk, which was flooded with papers and pens, until Lena herself said "Do you mind?"

"Anyway," Lena said making sure everyone was paying attention, "If you people want to stay in here alive and stay the same as you came in-" The Rebel and Wario felt a bit unnerved by the way she said 'as you came in' "You're going to have to camp out here a couple of times, especially tonight."

"Why?" Was the first thing that had come out of Wario's mouth since they had entered the towers.

"Because there are certain curfews here that everyone has to follow." Lena then walked over behind the couch and threw some blankets and pillows on the floor.

"Now if you'll excuse me-"

"Wait," The Rebel said,

"Yes?"

"What about our stuff in the car?"

"I'll make sure they're all brought in here first thing in the morning. I really have to go somewhere if you don't mind."

And with that, she left the group alone in their thoughts.

"So," the Rebel said to Mona, "How come she doesn't know?"

"It's a little complicated," She said while putting her hand on her temples "But basically...she's in to Koopa."

That was definitely something no one had expected. The Rebel especially,

"Well," he said while getting out a cigarette, "Let's just keep our job quiet and hope she doesn't find out."

"What?" Mona said, "Um, I'm pretty sure she's going to notice sooner or later!"

The Rebel grit his teeth, "Let's just drop this!”

This only made Mona more mad, "No, we have to talk about this now!"

Even though the Rebel's anger was rising by the minute, he, as calmly as he could, said: "I'd like it if we just talk about something else."

"Ugh," Mona said, "That is so like you to just forget problems when you’re too bull-headed to-"

That last sentence was all that he could take. Hell, if he hadn’t caught himself in time, Mona’s skull would’ve been cracked open by his owns fists. To say that she was shocked would be an understatement. Even Wario and Jimmy looked at the Rebel like he was nuts.

"Look," the Rebel said, "I know you're new here and all, but when I say to forget something..." he leaned closer, growling "You forget it!" With that, he just walked to the couch and sat on it as the others slowly moved somewhere, anywhere as long it was far from him. All the Rebel did was look up at the ceiling and sigh.

And then, after a long time Lena came back with panic on her face.

"Listen up!" She said, "This is important!"

[Redstar]

Ok, this chapter was co-written by Redstar, just wanted to point that out.

Well, I wouldn't say that I "co-wrote" it so much as just edited it.

[1upmushroom]

Hooray, Megagalvatron12 just favorited this story on Fan Faction.net!

Well here it is! The New chapter of the First Rebel, and guess what? It even has new characters! Well ok that's not really a selling point but anyway just read and review if you like please.

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Chapter 13: New Members.

When Lena re-entered the room, everyone stopped to see what she had to say.

“While I was busy working around here I found two interesting people.” She said,

Wario scoffed, “And?”

“They seem to know you.”

Tension started to rise as she left the room to bring the strangers in. The Rebel rose from the sofa, Wario walked closer to the door while flexing his fingers, Mona just stood where she was, and Jimmy walked closer to the door as well.

But as the two strangers walked in, tension was replaced with relief. The first one to enter was an average built man about as tall as the Rebel. Besides the dark blue uniform and black shoes, he also wore black sunglasses to conceal his eyes.

His hair was a combination of blonde and gray. His hands would often rub themselves for unknown reasons. Finally, his face was rat like which only seemed to complete the picture and didn’t seem out of place at all.

The second stranger was a woman built like the man. Her hair was dark pink along with her fingernails and eyes. Her left hand was usually in her pocket unless she needed it while her right hand would often grasp her neck or stand still.

Wario was the first to interact with these new people, shaking the man’s hand as he grinned.

“Well, well,” He said, “If it ain’t Mickey himself.”

Mickey smiled as he shook Wario’s hand and then shook the Rebel’s.

“I can’t believe it’s been so long,” the Rebel said,

“Not long enough,” Mickey joked in a German accent.

Mona was the only one confused

“What’s with his voice?”

The Rebel continued ignoring her “So, do you still go by your nickname?”

“‘Mad-Rat Mickey’ you mean? Of course, I think it fits me well to be honest.”

“Hello,” Mona said, “Is anyone listening to me?!”

Everyone stopped talking and looked at Mona, wondering what she was talking about. After recovering from the swarm of awkwardness Mona sighed and asked,

“Uh Mickey-”

“Yes?” he asked, slowly coming towards her.

“Well, I-I wanted to know why your voice sounded different.”

Mickey stopped and had a confused look on his face.

“What is wrong with my accent?”

“That’s an accent?!”

This puzzled him until he realized the problem, “Ah. You don’t know where I come from.”

He looked at the rest and said, “Should I tell her?”

They either shrugged or said something along the lines of ‘Sure, why not?’

“Well then,” he said facing Mona, “You see, I’m not from here.”

At first, this didn’t make anything click in Mona’s mind until her eyes widened and she said, “Wait, you mean, you’re from-”

“Yes, I’m from the so-called ‘other realm’. My kind call it Earth but as they say ‘different strokes, different folks’ correct?”

Mona just stood quietly looking at him in a sort of awe,

“But,” she stammered, “How-”

“Did I get here?” Mickey asked, “Oh that’s simple. You see, in about 1968 I was visiting New York suddenly I’m greeted by these two people.” he pointed at the Rebel and Wario. “They had come to me personally to make a hell of a proposition. They wanted my skills and for me to be a part of their little group. I wanted to say no at first but it seemed like I had no choice in joining them for I feared they would have killed me if I said no.

So I said yes and followed them here and now I’m one of the most respected members of the King’s group. Though I’m not so sure that’s an honor.”

Before the Rebel could make Mickey clarify what he had meant, Mona asked him another question.

“Why is your nickname ‘Mad-Rat Mickey’?”

“Hmm, well you see when I was young and in Germany-it’s an Earth place I was an outcast. The other children at school would always pretend to confuse me with a rat because of my face and the fact that I liked cheese. One day however I had had enough with all those kids calling me things like ‘Rat-Man’ and ‘Mickey Mouse’ that when one of those bastards mocked me for the hundredth time I acted like a rat and bit him very hard.

Of course the bully was treated with care while I was suspended and when I came back I didn't really care that much so I started doing the biting trick which lead to the other kids now calling me ‘Mad-Rat Mickey’, however I liked it. It seemed to fit my image well actually. So from there on I used that nickname proudly and encouraged people to call me it constantly. Does that answer your question?”

Mona was speechless but she gained the courage to ask one more question,

“A-and what is your specialty?”

Mickey shrugged, “Dynamite,” he said, “Grenades, just Explosives in general, though I was also helpful for the King to get information on Earth or as he called it ‘the other realm’. I’m also sort of an inventor; you see I’m responsible for the B-bomb.”

This piece of information surprised almost everyone except the Rebel and Mickey himself. Jimmy spoke for the first time in a while and said,

“Well why’d you call it a B-bomb?”

Mickey faced Jimmy and said, “Two reasons. One,”-he raised his index finger-“I didn’t want to call it a regular old bomb because it could walk, was smaller, and contained more firepower than an old bomb. Two”-he raised his middle finger-“I couldn’t think of a better name honestly.”

He then lowered his fingers as he chuckled a bit. Then, it was the pink haired woman’s turn to speak up as she said, “I guess no one’s gonna mention me huh?”

The Rebel then faced her and awkwardly shook her hand, “Sorry Brittney.”

“For that or for other reasons you should be sorry for-”

“Brittney, how are you doing?!” Said Wario as he quickly shook her hand to prevent another close call from happening,

“Just fine,” she said as Wario let go of her hand,

The Rebel then glared at Brittney, “That happened a long time ago.”

“Oh yeah, it’s not like it was a big deal or anything, you just-”

“You knew what you were doing! Don’t put all the blame on me!”

“Anyway, I thought you guys needed help, or did we come here for no reason other than to have a reunion?”

The Rebel grunted as he walked to the centre of the room to get everyone’s attention.

“Alright, listen up!” He said, noticing that Lena was absent. “I need help with an assassination, Koopa’s assassination to be blunt.”

Mickey and Brittney just nodded,

“You see I was thrown into an asylum years ago thanks to him and now I’m going to get back at him for it. Why? Because one, I had no reason for being disposed, two, I had to eat crap during my stay there, and three I was mostly tortured either by interrogation or sadistic psychiatrists.”

“Yes, yes it was terrible.” Mickey said, “But what do you need us for?”

The Rebel pointed at him and said, “I need your skills at explosives.”-He pointed at Brittney-“And I need you to tell me what security changes have been made. Plus I could use an extra hand.”

Brittney sighed and said, “Fine, I’m in.”

“You have no problem with me.” Mickey said,

“Alright then, let’s get to work.”

[Redstar]

I like it! You've improved quite a bit, especially in regards to your dialogue.

I like the new characters. Their personalities are defined, though their introduction appears somewhat random. This could be handled a lot more interestingly than just having them brought into the room without any reason.

[1upmushroom]

Good news guys! I have now not only updated the First Rebel but I've updated it's fan fiction page as well! Here's the link to the new version!

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8755076/1/T ... ebel-REDUX

Sadly, only the first chapter has been updated as I'm typing this but don't fret. The other chapters will soon be updated at well so just keep hanging on!

[Carnivorous M.]

Yo, stoppin' by to do some constructive crit! Looks pretty interesting so far; I'll start from the beginning and critique as I go. For the sake of space, I'll cut out any parts that I don't have anything to say about.

First off, prologue time!


Prologue: Escape.

(Mostly a matter of taste, but it's a good idea not to include periods in chapter titles. Question marks and exclamation marks work sometimes, mainly if the title is written as a quote-- for example, 'Why Am I Ticking?' or 'Ah, Paris!'-- and sometimes ellipses, although that's best if you're quoting only the beginning of something for effect-- for example, 'What Goes Up...' A chapter title is a teaser of sorts, conveying a bite-sized idea to give the reader a little taste of what's to come, creating an expectation of something to be fulfilled; it promises an answer to a question, an orchestra after the tapping of a conductor's baton, the thing that has gone up and must come down.

A period on the end leaves neither an open thought, nor an extra bit of flair; when someone reads it, their mental voice will most likely process it as flatly saying 'escape.' A lot of writing is made up of little things like that, tiny set-ups and conclusions that are barely noticeable when you're just reading them for entertainment. Another large part of it is making sure that it will sound right to someone's inner voice. Obviously not everyone has the same inner voice, but if it doesn't flow the right way in your head, it's a good idea to niggle and tweak it until it does. You'd be surprised what brilliant little things you can coax out of your head that way.

Anyway, long rambling filibuster finished. Onwards!)

Point of advice Koopa, you're an asshole.

(When you're dividing up a sentence, one way to make it flow well is to keep the division consistent. Sometimes people talk in long unseparated sentences like this one and that's a fact of nature, so sometimes your characters will probably talk that way too. Sometimes, on the other hand, people chop their sentences up a bit more finely, like this one. Either way, it's a good idea to make sure a sentence doesn't switch halfway through; it's also a good idea to figure out how many and how long the pauses are that each character uses to divide his or her sentences. An easily-distracted child might talk in long, uninterrupted strings, while an older, more deliberate person might talk more slowly. Try reading each character's lines in his or her voice, and see which style sounds more natural. Also, beware extremes; if characters start, using commas in, odd places, after every other word, you should cut it down a bit, and if they go on forever and ever and never seem to pause for any reason at all even though they should logically start running out of breath then you should probably slow them down and add a few where needed.

Here, it'd probably be best to write 'Point of advice, Koopa, you're an asshole.' Or possibly 'Point of advice, Koopa: you're an asshole.' Colons work well when your characters are declaring something and there's a definite, expectant pause, while commas splices are best used for more casual, run-together sentences that feel real, if ungrammatical.)

Though, the odds of you knowing that are very slim. After all, you’re probably sitting in your comfy desk. Who knows Koopa, though you may also be thinking you're very clever. One can't read the minds of anyone. All I know is, you hired me for dirty work, I did my job, and you jail me for being too good at my job.

(Again, careful with the commas. The first sentence would probably flow better without it, or possibly with something a bit longer in place of 'though', to imply the speaker pausing slightly for an afterthought. 'Although, come to think of it, the odds of you knowing that are very slim' or just 'Although come to think of it' would work, depending on whether the character is stopping to think or just kind of rambling on. Tone, voice, and context are everything for deciding tricky wording and punctuation.

Also, I would assume he'd be sitting at his comfy desk. )

Who knows Koopa, though you may also be thinking you're very clever.

(Again, consistent pauses. This sentence would probably be best divided up into two; again, it could be either way depending on how your character is talking-- short, sharp, bitter sentences, or rambling absently without really thinking about it-- but two would be more natural. Also, it's good to avoid using a word twice in a short space, especially if it's a word that grabs the reader's attention for the next bit, like 'though.' The main exception would be if you're using repetition to build on a list, emphasize a point, or to mirror two different thoughts against each other.)

One can't read the minds of anyone. All I know is, you hired me for dirty work, I did my job, and you jail me for being too good at my job.

(When possible, it's a good idea to keep sentences free of unnecessary fluff; sometimes that means cutting a sentence into two or three, and sometimes that means cutting just those one or two extra words. Here, 'one can't read the minds of anyone' isn't incorrect, exactly, but it's neither completely to-the-point-- 'One can't read minds'-- or natural-sounding-- 'One can't read people's minds.'

Also, when listing events, especially if it's implied to be said quickly, it's best to use the same tense for each item listed.)

Isn’t life something, sadly for you I'm not some employee you can easily dispose of see. I'm only here to comfort you, make you confident, and as you sit in your nice office, knowing very well that I'm in some regular rusty old cell, I hope you know I'm coming for you. All you do is act, yet all I do, is wait.

(Again, sentence division. The last sentence would probably be best split with a semicolon-- 'All you do is act; all I do is wait'-- or split into two separate sentences. 'All you do is act. All I do is wait.')

The Rebel was as usual in thought, since that was all the guards would let him do.

(When taking something from the end of a sentence, like 'as usual,' and putting it in the middle, always use commas. Unless it's in a character's dialogue, and that's an intentional quirk of that particular character.)

He always used to think Koopa was an alright person, a bit paranoid, but a fine politician. That was until; the Rebel was labelled a traitor by Koopa when Koopa had found some papers that were blueprints for a bomb in the Rebel's quarters.

(Semicolons where no semicolons should be! It would probably work better transplanted right after 'alright person.' When recounting past events, it's best to streamline them, break them up a little, and use implication. For example, in the rearrangement 'That was, until Koopa found the bomb blueprints in his quarters. He'd protested his innocence, of course-- really, was there even that much nitroglycerin in the city?-- but everyone knows a filthy traitor will say anything to save himself.')

Before the Rebel could remark how odd it was that someone who owned a key to his (the Rebels) quarters and of course had many documents with him, suddenly label him (the rebel) as a traitor, the Rebel was sent to the Vista Hills Asylum in the desert.

(Keep sentences and thoughts cohesive. I run into this problem a lot, too; I find myself going on an aside that, while perfectly relevant and necessary to understand what's going on, disrupts the sentence and drags it on far too long. When that happens, you usually have to do some splitting up and rearranging of sentences to convey the information you need to in a way that flows.

One way to rearrange this sentence:

'Then he'd pointed out that Koopa owned the key to his quarters, not to mention the printing plant and department of weapons development, and they'd stopped playing nice. He still remembered the drip of the IV inserted into his broken arm, and the jolting pains from countless cuts and bruises at every bump in the road to the Vista Hills Asylum.')

During his few days, the Rebel was often forced to go to counselling and an interrogation session, while the men in the interrogation sessions knew the Rebel was saner than ever and were merely teasing him, the psychiatrists actually thought the Rebel needed help.

(Streamline, and try to add details. If a first-hand memory-- and a traumatic one, at that-- reads like a newspaper article, it doesn't work. One way to approach it would be to have the Rebel's dry narrative, interspersed with occasional sharp bursts of sensation and personal memory, quickly shoved back so that he doesn't have to think about them.

For example:

'His days consisted of counseling session after counseling session. Boring? Maybe. They were better than the interrogations.

Gray-black walls, the smells of stale urine and fear and pain, sharp things digging into his skin, his own screams in his ears and those mocking faces--

They knew he was sane. Saner than ever, in spite of their efforts. Maybe the psychiatrists didn't know; they certainly didn't know about the interrogations, and they seemed like they wanted to help. But the men in black suits-- not stylish black; a careful black, a black that didn't want to show stains-- they knew. And they didn't care.'

Details and emotions help a lot. It occurs to me that they might not be horrifying-torture-session-type interrogations, but that was the first thought that sprang to mind. Oh well.)

Ironically, the Rebel was thinking of today's upcoming sessions when the door opened. Two guards came in with a key to unlock the chains the kept the Rebel from escaping his bed. First, however one guard injected a serum into the Rebel that made him paralyzed so he wouldn't try to make an assault.

(It's a good idea to make actions direct, unless there's some sort of atmospheric reason for doing otherwise. 'Made him paralyzed' would work better as 'paralyzed him.')

Ah, the old serum. Don't you guards ever loosen up? Ha, how the hells a guy supposed to escape?

(Apostrophe needed; other than that, looks good.)

While no one heard his little joke, the Rebel still laughed inside. After the Rebel was out of his chains, the guards then picked up his legs and dragged them while his body was on the floor. When they were finally at the area they were headed, the guards opened the door, and threw him inside. Of course now the serum wore off and since the floor was solid chrome, he felt very painful.

(Streamline. When a sentence has you stumped, think of a way to add a little flair. 'After he was out of his chains, the guards grabbed a leg apiece and dragged him along the floor. It was easier than carrying his dead weight upright between them, fair enough, but damn was that floor cold. Just when he felt just about recovered enough to complain, they reached their destination. The guards opened the door, hoisted him in the air, and unceremoniously threw him inside like a slab of meat. He felt like a slab of meat. Of course the serum would have worn off by the time he found himself colliding with a solid chrome floor.')

As the Rebel got up, a female psychiatrist walked in.

(Add flair when you can! Granted, sometimes something just won't dress itself up anymore, but try to make little things-- like the introduction of a new character or element into a scene, for example-- stand out just a bit. Give details about the way she walks in, maybe her bearing or clothes or the expression on her face.)

"Now," Miss Jones said, "Before we start today's session, I wanted to ask you what you would like to begin with? We can do ink blot tests, discuss ink blot tests, or look at ink blot tests-"

"I think I'll go with ink blot tests." The Rebel said,

(Always end a paragraph with a period. Always.)

"Ah excellent, I have the ink blots all ready for you,

Miss Jones then got out the ink blot tests and showed one to Rebel. It was obviously a question mark but the Rebel thought she was trying to trick him, for if he got the answer wrong, she would shock him.

(It's best to cut down on using 'he then jumped up and ran away' type sentences if you can; they just feel a bit awkward. Cut out the 'then;' if the sentence feels to bland afterward, find some way to make the sequence of events more detailed and interesting.)

"Uh, a cane," The Rebel guessed, and then he got shocked with a shock gun.

(Try to show the sensations and effects of something like this, instead of just saying it right out. For example, ' "Uh... a cane," the Rebel guessed. There was a sharp, harsh buzzing noise. He yelped, nearly jumping out of his chair as the shock gun touched his arm.')

"OW, god"

"Wrong Mr. Smith" Miss Jones said, "Guess it again please."

"Uh, a duplex with the sun on the bottom?!"

He got shocked again,

"AHH YOU-"

"Wrong again Mr. Smith," Miss Jones said, "The answer was a Question Mark."

(I have to say, this part is pretty hilarious; the humor definitely matches the flavor of the movie.)


I'm starting to slow down a bit, so I think I'll finish this up later. Over all, I think this fic really looks interesting; just remember proper grammar and do your best to squeeze that extra bit of razzle-dazzle out of every sentence, and it'll get awesomer and awesomer!

[1upmushroom]

Wow, I didn't think I was getting this type of review. I'm not complaining, it's a pleasant surprise.

You know what's sad? Your examples of how to rearrange some sentences are actually better than my remake chapters! However there is some light at the end of this tunnel. This chapter is what I consider the worst of this story. It does get better with each chapter. Trust me.

Also, just fair wanting, there will be excessive cussing. I'm not saying every single line is peppered with "damn" and "shit" but there will be a fair amount of it. It's just my teenage mind at work.

When I release the updated chapters (if you want to read them that is) you'll see that I matured a bit and cut some unnecessary curses out.

[Carnivorous M.]

Glad I could help! It takes a lot of courage to ask someone else to review your work-- I know this from hard experience-- and I'm deeply glad if I've been able to help at all. And sure I want to read it! It looks cool!

Don't worry, I'm not easily put off by any content other than ultra-graphic violence. Once, I had to beta-read my friend's lemon fics for an entire month. It was highly unpleasant, but I survived. I never took up a bet with her ever again. XC

That said, I respect that you've matured. Good on ya, mate!

...oh jeez, I just now realized that the version on this thread is the original version. Gah, I'm sorry! I'll get right on reviewing the story in its present form.

DERP DERP DERP DERPMOBILE, AWAAAAY

[1upmushroom]

...oh jeez, I just now realized that the version on this thread is the original version. Gah, I'm sorry! I'll get right on reviewing the story in its present form.

DERP DERP DERP DERPMOBILE, AWAAAAY

Well, hold on the new version doesn't include all the chapters so it might be worth your time to read the original, since it includes the most content and also, it may take me a long long time to get the new version out. So, you're better off reviewing this version anyway and maybe give a comment or two.

But that's how I would do it. So do whatever you want to do.

[1upmushroom]

Well, I just updated the current version with two new chapters. This is where the story is changed the most, some dialogue is replaced, some scenes are switched around, and some unfortunate implications were tweaked. I hope you enjoy them and you can now read them on the fan fiction page.

[ultimateemail5000]

I haven't posted much in here before, so I thought I'd congratulate you on the ongoing project. I admire your dedication, 1upmushroom. Keep it up.

[Amethyst Dreams]

Wow! Love the artwork for this story. Great work to both 1upmushroom and superwesleybros!

[1upmushroom]

I haven't posted much in here before, so I thought I'd congratulate you on the ongoing project. I admire your dedication, 1upmushroom. Keep it up.

Well thank you. When you have that drive to continue something and of course people who actually care to know what happens next, you have to keep going, you know what I mean.

[1upmushroom]

Man, did I drop the ball with this project. Hopefully I'll be able to pick it back up some time this month. Expect the next chapter to begin.