Lost and Found (Fanfic)

[1upmushroom]

From the Koopa Square Police Station Death Files:

Name: Doug Masterson.
Age: 34.
Height: 56.
Weight: 112 lbs.
Born: 06/28/76
Died: 06/28/92

Bio: The Victim first dissappeared in 05/23/91 due to a violent prison escape he pulled that same day. His house was found to be mostly intact, except for a couple of clothes and a suitcase that visitors of the house have claimed to have seen. No other known items were missing. 4 days later a brown suitcase was found near a tunnel, opened. While nothing seemed to be missing from it, all the contents seemed to be thrown about, as if someone (possibly Masterson) was looking for a special item.

After several hours, it was confimred it was indeed the same suitcase that Doug took with him during his escape. Judging by the location of the suitcase it seemed that Masterson had discarded the thing (and most of the contents), took one object and entered the tunnel. However no other piece of evidence indicated what had happened to him. Upon walking through the tunnel, the cops found that it led to the famous Koopahari Desert.

A search party was planned given the footprints that were found, but since the Desert was known for being incredibly vast and since it was likely that Masterson probably created a false trail, the search party was cancled. The mystery seemed to continue but then another 4 days carried on and the police went back to the tunnel to pursuit the trail anyway. One police officer had found a grey metallic object sticking out from the sand. After pulling it out, the cop found out he was holding a gun that still had a few bullets left in it. Soon, after some careful handleing it was confirmed that gun had been held by Masterson when the finger prints turned out to be an exact match.

Unfortunetly for a long time that was the only piece of new evidence found. To make matters worse, due to a sandstorm the trail was scrambled up forever and the police were baffeled. Soon after much hesitation, the case was labeled as a simple suicide and was later dismised. However in October on the same year, a hooded figure had been sighted many times, claiming to know about Masterson however the person shortly dissappeared before the police could investigate. Then, on May 6th in 1992, Masterson himself was found in Koopa square trying to perform a peculiar ritual. He was brought in by the cops for some questioning but after a couple of sessions, it was obvious that Masterson was out of his mind.

Masterson kept repeating that a creature was growing inside him and that he had to please them again. Before the police could ask who he was referring to, Masterson always yelled and tried to escape from the session rooms in order to get back to wherever he came from. Later Masterson was sent to Vista Hills Asylum where he spent the rest of his days until his untimely death in June (incedentally on his birthday). Doug was found dead in his cell, yet there were no signs of struggle or physical harm on the body. The police officials said that he died of a heart attack and the case was finally closed.

And then it re-opened, because yesterday, a hooded figure (no one knew if it was the same one that was mentioned in the file) had dropped a book at the police department, speficially to me, the book apparently was the journal of Doug Masterson. The journal is about 300 pages, with only 130 filled and 4 torn out of the journal. The entries are as placed in the following documents to come with a few additional comments made by me in advance. So far no one else has seen the journal besides me as I was the man the hooded figure gave the journal to. When I'm done with the procedure, this business will solved once and for all.

[SethRex]

Interesting

[Redstar]

Interesting

Yes, but why? People like actual critique so that they know how they can do better. Your comment doesn't inspire discussion and that's a real shame because 1up works hard on his writing.

It's a great start to a story, though I feel there's a lot of redundancy at work. The word "suitcase" is used quite a bit early on when it should be evident from context that this is the same object mentioned before. Likewise, Doug is referred to as "Masterson" more than he should be. It pays to vary things up a bit.

[SethRex]

Yes, I suppose you're right. I would have been disappointed too if someone simply wrote 'Interesting'. I found the story interesting because it was engaging. I found myself reading from beginning to end. I was left wondering what the story had to offer.

[1upmushroom]

It's a great start to a story, though I feel there's a lot of redundancy at work. The word "suitcase" is used quite a bit early on when it should be evident from context that this is the same object mentioned before. Likewise, Doug is referred to as "Masterson" more than he should be. It pays to vary things up a bit.

The ironic thing is I actually started calling him Doug and Masterson both quite a bit in the beginning but I worried that people would wonder what I didn't refer to him by one of his names and not both of them.

Though I will give you the redundancy without excuses, I'm still trying to work on that but I hope that this is a good enough hook for the story. I based the beginning (and some of the story) mostly on the Tamam Shud case that's still unsolved by the way. That and also, the desert was such an interesting concept mostly because of what was actually out there I really felt this was perfect for a writer like me to put my own spin on the universe without changing the history of it like in First Rebel.

It should be noted that the first few entries are fairly normal at first and they show that Masterson was at a point, very rational and intelligent. Furthermore I have a more clear vision of how he escaped in this entry alone.

Day 1

So I finally did it, I escaped that hellhole of a prison that tied me down. I had to take some lives but hey, they wouldn't let me go quietly. So far I got some essentials from my house, a gun, some clothes, razors, and this journal. I spent the night at a friend's house and left the next morning due to him calling the cops on me. I took his hat and glasses to make a decent disguise for myself, it actually worked pretty well. Soon I was at a tunnel that lead to the Koopahari Desert.

Gathering my courage, I dropped my suitcase, got my journal and left Koopa Square for what was supposed to be forever. It was perfect since I always said I hated the desert, no one would think to look for me there, besides it was really vast, they wouldn'tve found me anyway. It's been 3 hours and I can't see the tunnel anymore, only sand and hills. It really is neat looking, if only I brought my camera. It's very hot, luckily I still have some bottles of water with me. However I can't stop, I have to go on, I can't let the police find me!

Hmm, there's something over in the distance. I can't make out what it is except that it's sort of like a tower. I'll have to explore there soon.

I'm certain Doug was mentioning a temple, there's not another city in this world I'm positive of it! Anyhow, now I know exactly how Doug escaped and it was pretty good for a low brow criminal. I'll continue more on this journal soon.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

The next entry is quite interesting but still Doug's sanity seems to be intact considering the fact that the deset has been to mess with people's minds if they wandered out there too long.

Day 2

It's been about a day and still the building is pretty far away. I feel like I haven't made much progress. I finished one of my water bottles but yet I feel dry. So far, I've come across nothing but sand and hills, maybe a pyramid or two but that's about it. There's a reason I never liked deserts. There's nothing in them but sand and hills! The isolation and redundant scenery just kills me sometimes! It makes my mind go screwy if I think about it too long.

I'm starting to think this whole building thing could either be a marash or another pyramid. Strike that. I took a little walk and I'm starting to see a little bit of detail on the building. I also barely see some objects that I can't really describe since they're so far away. This place is getting more interesting now that I think about it.

Hmm, those objects sound incredibly dangerous to me, I would've turned back and headed towards the city. It would've been a whole lot better for everyone.

[Redstar]

I agree that the desert is an interesting concept that could have been explored in so many ways. I like the direction that this story is taking through journal entries written by one character that are commented on by another. It's a clever contrast in personality and interpretation that could lead to a real questioning of sanity versus lucidity.

I hope you continue this, though I recommend revisiting the initial piece and revising it for simplicity and clarity. It's just too long for a "case file," which I think demands brevity. With this type of story it's just too easy to lose interest because of overwriting.