The First Year (Fanfic)

[Carnivorous M.]

(A note: this thread is specifically set aside for the story. If you wish to discuss the plot, ask questions, make suggestions, give critique, or heap lavish praise upon me and my house, please go to the discussion thread. Thanks!)



For an instant the world shone like a blue sun, and then he was gone.

Blinking, dazed, disoriented. Every painful heartbeat echoing like a drum. Warmth pulsing against one hand, slowly fading away to be replaced by cold, jagged, thorn-shaped stone. Cave, dank and dark save for the gradually dimming circle of blue light in its center. Low, rumbling, mumbling growl, followed by higher-pitched squeaking, both worried.

It took a moment for her to remember where she was, who she was, that the individual she existed. Not she, she thought, as she gathered up the stray pieces of her consciousness. Daisy. NYU student, nice girl, doorstop baby, princess of a dying world.

A world of dinosaurs.

Struggling to pull her mind together, staring at the stone wall through which she'd watched the last traces of normality (sanity, safety, home) disappear, she reflected that the thought didn't seem as wonderful as it might have forty-eight hours ago.

A dying world, so far away from everything she knew. But she could go back, couldn't she? It shouldn't be too hard. Pick up the rock again, open up that deep, bright, hidden place inside. Step through, go home, never come back.

Even as the thought entered her mind, she knew she couldn't. The stone had been warm against her skin for as long as she could remember (and she could remember, oh yes, so many times that she'd felt terribly cold and afraid and alone and it'd been there like a beacon, a friend in the dark), but now it lay cold and lifeless in her palm. There'd be no getting back that way.

She was almost tempted to try anyway. But the walls between worlds had been damaged (dangerously fragile, eggshell-thin) and she couldn't destroy both worlds after all they'd been through to stop that very thing from happening.

Besides, this place was in chaos. All these people would live like animals (continue to live like animals) until the day they finally ran out of food and water and died in droves, clawing at each other for something to eat as they suffocated on the filthy air. They needed a sane leader who would not only take care of them, but care for them.

They needed her, and it scared her to death.

There'd be no getting back at all.

Her eyes stung and her breath came faster, and there was no telling what she might have done next if she hadn't been distracted by tiny claws plucking plaintively at the hem of her skirt. She glanced down, blinking to clear the sudden blurring from her vision, and looked into a pair of huge, dark, liquid eyes.

Yoshi made another of his soft, cooing squeaks, tilting his scaly head to the side. The tiny creature stared questioningly up at her, and she couldn't help but smile in spite of the situation.

"I'm fine," she told him. She glanced up at the looming figure standing awkardly a short ways away. "Really, I am."

The creature backed away a couple of steps, nervously playing a short riff on its harmonica (where on earth did a-- what were they called-- goomba?-- get a harmonica?). Obviously, it didn't care to comment even if it could have.

Pull it together. They need you, and they're watching.

She took a breath, and another, and another; and then she squared her shoulders and tried to speak without quavering. "Come on," she said, her voice just barely shaking, "let's go home."

This seemed to cheer her companions up a bit. With a chorus of coos and cheerful grumbles, the two reptilian creatures hobbled off down the tunnel to the city.

She took one last look at the wall (the solid, impenetrable wall, with its awful new decoration). Then, squeezing the splinter of meteorite until it hurt her palm, she turned and followed her only friends in the world, and told herself that everything would be alright.

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January First, 0000-- Koopa overthrown, new calendar put into use. There is some debate as to whether this is actually the correct date, due to the confusion surrounding this time.

The First Year of Queen Daisy's rule begins.

[1upmushroom]

So far there's nothing interesting as far as the eye can see, it's just Daisy venturing back to DinoHatton, getting ready to rule it.

[Redstar]

I really quite like it. You have a way with words that really captures not only the mood of the situation but also Daisy's complete and utter panic at what she must face. In this brief opening to your story I feel more drawn to her character than any moment from the film itself. You've just made her feel truly real and genuine.

Beginning only moments following Mario and Luigi's departure is a stroke of genius. It eases us into the scope of things so well that you could easily begin the next chapter several weeks or months later without any issue. In fact, that would probably be the best direction if you were to show Dinohattan's situation being much different than what we're familiar with from the movie, then backtracking through narration, Daisy's thoughts and flashback to see how she brought us there.

However, going beyond the thematic and atmospheric virtues of the piece I do have to call into question your habit in overwriting and muddling sentences. You have a supreme ability in pulling words together to evoke a thought or emotion, yet far too often you just use too many words to effectively allow the message to sit.

Simplicity is best. Use what words you need and let the reader imagine the rest. If we want a picture we'd just watch a movie; as a writer you should guide the imagination, not dictate it. You also use commas quite a bit; often in the place of colons and semi-colons that would allow better flow and pausing. Try reading your sentences aloud once you've written them to see where you would naturally take a breath or pause; this is where a sentence should end or be split with a semi-colon.

I'm really looking forward to where this story goes. Daisy has always been the character I've seen with the most wasted potential. A sequel, if produced, really could have explored her as a character in so many great ways. I hope that you can take my critique to heart and show us one of those possible evolutions.

[Amethyst Dreams]

I actually like how descriptive it is. I'm a huge fan of description in myself and in others so I don't really see it as overwritten. I like detail.

I'm curious to see where it goes but I really have no idea where.

[Carnivorous M.]

Thank you guys a ton! I really appreciate the feedback, and I'm glad you like it! Except for you, Mushroom, you party pooper you. Kidding, kidding, s'all cool dude. XD

Thanks! Figuring out where to start has been probably one of the hardest parts of the whole story construction so far; I've tried starting in a few different places, but this was the only one that I felt really worked at all. I'm glad that you guys like the word choices and stuff (to be particularly eloquent), and the characterization so far.

I agree about the awkward sentences and overwordiness; it usually takes me a number of edits over the course of several days to clean up the ugly sentences lying around, and this one I posted almost immediately after I finished it. I'll definitely keep that in mind, especially the bit about reading it aloud.

And oh my goodness, that's perfect! I was wondering how to show the goings-on of the next few weeks without dragging down the story terribly. Now I know exactly what to do for Chapter Two! (Or Chapter One, depending on whether you count the beginning as a proper chapter.)

I do feel description is important, though, to a certain extent. All too often I'll be reading one of my friends' stories, or one of my own older stories, and suddenly I'll realize that I have no picture of the surrounding environment at all. (I agree that an in-depth description should really be once per area, though, otherwise it can bog down the story terribly.)

Thank you for the constructive criticism! Most people just don't seem to understand that I need them to be honest if I'm ever going to get better. Hopefully the next chapter will be up soon, although I may have to rewrite it once or twice. The narration will also most likely be slightly less jumpy and schizophrenic; I really like how this chapter turned out, but somehow the voice didn't seem quite right to me.

[Redstar]

And oh my goodness, that's perfect! I was wondering how to show the goings-on of the next few weeks without dragging down the story terribly. Now I know exactly what to do for Chapter Two! (Or Chapter One, depending on whether you count the beginning as a proper chapter.)

I'm pleased that you found my suggestion to be a good means through which to continue the story. I really feel that this is the start of a very thoughtful interpretation of what might have followed the events of the film. Very rarely has anyone being as thoughtful as you in remaining faithful to the core events, themes and motivations of the film. More often than not people just try to skew it closer to the games and it never works.

Remain just as motivated and passionate and we'll be sure to continue reading with just as much enjoyment.

[Serum]

I'm a little confused, does this take place after the events of the nonexistent sequel that was implied at the end of the movie? Either way, it's very well written.

[Carnivorous M.]

Sorry for the long disappearance, all; I got stuck on the first main chapter, and somewhere along the way I got distracted and now, sweet monkeys, it's been over six months. D:

I'm pleased that you found my suggestion to be a good means through which to continue the story. I really feel that this is the start of a very thoughtful interpretation of what might have followed the events of the film. Very rarely has anyone being as thoughtful as you in remaining faithful to the core events, themes and motivations of the film. More often than not people just try to skew it closer to the games and it never works.

Remain just as motivated and passionate and we'll be sure to continue reading with just as much enjoyment.

Thank you so much! It may take me a little bit to gather my steam back up, but I'm determined not to let this story get away from me again, even if I end up only being able to post once or twice a month.

I'm a little confused, does this take place after the events of the nonexistent sequel that was implied at the end of the movie? Either way, it's very well written.

Thanks! It starts right at the end of the scene where Mario and Luigi return home, and from there it deviates somewhat (which I feel bad about, but it would have ruined the atmosphere of an alien environment if M'n'L had been there; plus, Iggy and Spike are kind of important to the storyline, so they can't stay in our dimension to make the Super Koopa Cousins). So it is, for all intents and purposes, a direct, slightly AU sequel to the movie.

[Redstar]

It's great to see you back! I must say we all found your posts and Mariofiction project very inspiring, so seeing you leave for awhile was a disappointment. Hopefully we can all resume our projects!